Men, Women & Labels

Now, on a completely different subject....

I am in the mood to write a Sex And The City type of blog.

It's about men, women and labels.

I start my latest book, Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak, with the idea that men and women aren't from different planets but they do speak different languages. Recently this has become quite apparent to me.

Let us look at John and Jane. They are both mature, honest adults who have an attraction for each other as well as a genuine affection. Circumstances prevent them from entering into a full fledged relationship. Jane and John are fine with this fact and both enjoy the relationship they do have. But sometimes Jane gets confused or has a question. Women like to know where they stand. That doesn't mean they want to get married. They just like to know where they are so they can proceed accordingly. If Jane thinks that John has a deep, dark secret, a gambling or drinking problem (or anything), she wants to know so she can decide if this is a relationship she would like to continue with.

It is at this point that I bring up the Cinderella complex that plagues us. When two people have affection, attraction and connection, society often dictates that it must now lead to marriage or a committed relationship with promises. In this day and age, the Cinderella complex is increasingly hard to uphold. People live longer, marriage is different than it was when it first came to be. People married for property, for economical reasons. Now people marry for love but love can shift, evolve and even vanish.

We live in a confusing society where love is concerned. We have all these "rules" and when the parameters of these rules change, people don't communicate properly. Assumptions are made. It sucks.

Jane talks with John. She asks him where she stands. John freaks. He says, "When you ask me that, it becomes a label and I feel pressure." Jane isn't asking for him to commit. She just wants to be clear about things. Because men and women so often hold back what they really think out of fear, miscommunication abounds.

Now he thinks she's all in love and he retreats. This seems to be a common occurrence with men who are not ready for commitment. Their first line of defense is to yell "LABELS!"

When a man is really into the woman, he will never bring up labels unless it's to confirm that she is really into him as well and then he wants to be committed. Then a label makes him feel secure.

Our world is so different than it was twenty years ago. Romance and the like has to evolve as the world changes. There are a number of women who don't have to get married to be happy. I like the quote by Katherine Hepburn: "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and visit now and then."

I have personally experienced and heard from many of my girlfriends that when they are trying to gauge where the relationship is with a man they are still getting to know and haven't yet decided that HE'S THE ONE!!!, that question will cause men to panic. The men immediately want to point out that they can't be pressured.

 

I just want to roll my eyes. I am sorry but I do. A committed relationship is hard work and both must compromise but it isn't necessarily what women always want. Women are not always after the Cinderella fantasy and we are tired of men who have a hard time with communication making the assumption our first inclination is to make you buy us a ring.

In Ain't No Sunshine, men describe what it feels like to lose romantic love. It becomes glaring that so many men are afraid to express their emotions for fear of appearing weak. With the example of John and Jane, I think  it's that John fears telling Jane the whole truth because she will then EXPECT something from him. Being honest doesn't mean you are signing your life away. It holds with it no contract. It's just considerate and if Jane starts jumping to romantic conclusions it becomes HER problem. John has been honest and up front.

So, there's my woman rant. :)

Black Women & Body Image

Greetings!

The Body Image Blog (Arkstories.com) has finally been created. As the stories come in, I will post them.

  

Please understand I am being VERY GENERAL here. I realize that we all have a unique and individual story. That said, I would like to approach the subject of black women and body image.

As a white woman, I have noticed that black women do not seem have as much insecurity with their bodies, especially with weight as white women. This is also very much accepted by white people.  For instance, a black celebrity like Beyonce has a round, voluptuous, curvaceous shape. She is praised for it and she looks fantastic. When a white woman has a similar shape, the public in general has more negative things to say about the same curves.

I have seen women in the black community take pride in their physical appearance no matter their shape or size.  But as I do an Internet search, I find eating disorders are affecting more black women.

http://frugivoremag.com/2011/04/black-women-eating-disorders-a-wake-up-call/

I would love to get stories from black women describing how it is for you. What messages did you get from your mother growing up? From your peers? How do you perceive it to be for white women? Have you ever indulged in any kind of unhealthy behavior with food? Are you happy with your body? Have you ever experienced body hatred?

Men are encouraged to submit as well, in fact there are several stories from men on the blog.
You may choose to be anonymous or credited. If credited, I allow up to 2 urls and a photo. This is totally YOUR choice. If you do not want your identity revealed, I guarantee your privacy. It should be noted that the majority of participants choose to be credited.

Over the years in my own struggle with my body & self image, I have heard from other white women that they think black women have it easier. Is this true? You tell me. I want your story.

Guidelines and all you need to know is provided on this link: http://arkstories.com/bodyimageblog.html

Thanks for reading.

Not All Men Are Dogs....

This is a great book for any woman who wonders "What a man feels like in a breakup". It's very interesting and captivating. I purchased this for My Brother whom is going through a bad break up and the book helped him. He understood he wasn't alone.

EnnaT Amazon

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Once started reading this, I literally could not stop. As a woman, I have made certain assumptions about men. They tell you so little. The candor and honesty was not only touching but I look at men a little differently now. The men who gave their stories really opened up and let us in.

MLK2010 Amazon

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Ain't No Sunshine is a compilation of true stories about heartbreaks. The authors requested the help of men to answer some questions. The answers, written in a form of essay, were anonymous so the men weren't ashamed to write down their true feelings. Ain't No Sunshine helps us understand what really goes on inside a man's head. Whether it's from a divorce or death, men struggle from a broken heart. They have some of the same emotions and feelings as women. They have to deal with pain and often, depression. Some admitted they considered suicide while others needed therapy. A few men mentioned not being able to talk about their feelings with their friends because in our society, men are simply not allowed to. Society portrays men as being tough and having no feelings. Women think they have it easy when it comes to breaking up in a relationship but from reading Ain't No Sunshine, this is not the case.

Melanie's Book Addiction

Order your copy by clicking on the link:   
Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak



My Facebook Wolf Pack!

In May of 2010 I created my Author Kimberley A. Johnson Facebook page.

 

My book The Virgin Diaries had just debuted and I was new to the whole social media thing. I started friending random people. Early on, I was pretty bored with it. I didn't know anyone and had not developed relationships. I almost didn't expect to get to know anyone personally. I really didn't know what I was in for.

 

I had posted a Youtube with some plant life that looked like human genitalia and was scolded by a woman telling me that she was hiding me from her feed because she ran a "clean Facebook page."

That tickled me endlessly. A tree that looked like boobs was offensive to her. Eventually she defriended me and I wish her well.

 

I also had the misfortune of meeting a man who disagreed with me politically. He called me a douche bag and the "C" word. I blocked him.

 

As the year and my page of friends evolved, I have met some really interesting people. People I would have never known otherwise. I do have some personal friends on this page now and it's become a fun mix.

 

I currently work from home. I sit at the computer a lot. Facebook has become my way to break up the monotony of marketing my book(s). Kind of like my work friends but more than that. I have met people on FB that I really feel connected to. Real friends. One of them explained to me that he felt like it's a bar that's open 24 hours a day. I have never seen it that way. I am not looking to "hook up" or flirt.

Though I have received my fair share of email from teen boys asking me "What does it feel like to have sex?" because they have read my profile and know about my virginity book.

 

Recently, I have had to say goodbye to Pearl, my beautiful kitty of almost seventeen years. So many people have reached out both on the page and through email and it has meant a lot to me. I have seen others in the past, post about losing their pets and it always makes me feel so sad. All who have pets know the pain associated with losing them and it does make a difference to feel love an support coming from so many. I thank each and every one of you. You have made a very horrible experience more bearable.

 

Sometimes I wonder if Facebook is like crack. An addiction that feels good in the moment but destructive in the end. Maybe that is the case, maybe not. I am quite dramatic. I can say that I have fun here. I love the colorful characters that have come into my life. I love the humor. I have learned (for the most part) to keep my mouth shut about politics. I have strong beliefs and it once got me in trouble. Some guy called the FBI (yes, the FBI) on me. I laugh now at how ridiculous it all was.

 

I look forward to engaging and being engaged with all my Facebook wolf pack.

 

I am so happy to know you guys. Thanks for being cool!!!!!!

The King's...Pain

I recently watched The King's Speech. Spoiler Alert!! If you haven't seen it, get crackin"! It's wonderful!

He stammered. Clearly this is a problem for any person but for a King, it's a big fat no-no!

As the film progresses we learn there is a root cause for his stammer. It dates back to his early years and him feeling alone, unloved and isolated. These deep seeded emotions manifested physically.

In my next book to be released this month, Ain't No Sunshine - Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak, we hear from thirty-eight men. The protection of anonymity allowed for them to be candid and really express what they felt they couldn't with their friends, especially their male friends.

The stories run the gamut. One man was dumped because his fiance got fake boobs and felt the grass was greener. A married man fell in love with another man and was conflicted as he doesn't see himself as gay. The common thread that emerged was that all of these men felt their pain deeply but chose to to suffer in silence, sometimes for decades. Some men admitted to not having sex for years after falling victim to a broken heart. Even though this is a very small sample, there is no question that millions of men feel and react in a similar fashion to the stories we collected.

A recent discovery that repeated head injuries suffered by National League Football players are having dire effects. The recent death of former NFL lineman Shane Dronett is the latest in a string of postmortem findings that players, particularly lineman, have suffered irreversible brain damage most likely caused by concussions sustained on the playing field. The NFL is in the process of changing rules regarding going back into play after getting hit hard enough to feel symptoms of concussion. But there are players who are against the new rules and subscribe to that old “suck it up” mode of working through the pain. Former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner, in an interview with CNN stated that nobody came right out and said that the players had to play whether they were 100% or not but there was always the fear that the other guys were looking at you and thinking you weren’t being “tough” enough. That, we think, is a microcosm of society’s (at least American society’s) attitude where men are concerned. They are to be strong at all costs, whether it’s physical or emotional pain.

Which brings us to the emotional side of things. An April 2011 Time article titled Love Hurts by Alice Park presents some startling data. Her sources are impressive: PNAS, FDA, Society for Health Care Epidemiology meeting and Environmental Health Perspectives. Working with forty individuals who had recently suffered romantic rejection, researchers found that pain experienced from heartbreak ignites the same sensory pathways in the brain that are engaged when an individual experiences physical pain.

This poses an interesting question. If emotional pain is suppressed rather than expressed, can long-term physical health be negatively affected? If someone suffers a heart attack and doesn’t receive treatment, the problem is only worsened and takes its toll on the body. When a man is physically injured, he seeks medical attention. There is no shame in that. Yet, there is a sense of shame when admitting emotional vulnerability. We ask: Is it possible that not expressing or working through the pain of heartbreak actually causes physical damage to the body? Studies have proven that stress causes physical ailments. Heartbreak is a form of stress.

It would be nice to think that we can make this observation, pose this question and VOILA! Knowledge is power! Men will now get on the phone with their best buddies and cry and analyze and express the pent-up emotions they have held down for so long. Of course, that’s not going to happen. But perhaps, with these findings and some time, men will come to realize the importance of sharing their feelings. It isn’t weakness. It’s important for mental as well as physical health. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. 

In order for the King to be cured, he needed to acknowledge and work through his pain. To face his fears head on. His male speech therapist and more importantly, his friend was there to help and no one thought they were weak or gay. These two words (weak and gay) came up many times as men described how they thought they would appear if they showed anyone their pain.

Something to think about......

The Accidental Author

In 2009 I worked for an oil/fuel distributor. I sold industrial chemicals in 2005-2007 and really enjoyed it. I was a girly girl in a manly man world. I could talk shop with Maintenance Supervisors of Power Plants.

I actually had something to teach them. I understood and could explain how to clean hydraulic oil. It was empowering and I impressed myself. I was comfortable and familiar with all kinds of industrial companies and applications.

None of my friends could believe I made my living this way. Prior to my industrial journey, I was an actress and worked in the world of perfume. Now I sold malodor counteractants, lubricants and asphalt release.

The products had great names. Some of my favorites; Slippery Pull, Nutbreaker 2000 and Super Caulk.  

I worked with Cities, Waste Management, California Dept. Of Transportation, The Navy, Edwards Air Force Base and the list goes on.

After a break from the industrial world, I started back, selling oil and fuel in December 2008. Right after the economic crash. The company I worked for was quite small and the long and short of it was, they simply could not compete with the larger companies offering the same products and faster service for a lower price. It was clear to me after six months that I did not have a future there and I admit, I had issues with the fact I sold oil. I did need to pay my bills but OIL????

One bone of contention I dealt with was the fact I LIVE in open toe shoes. When I sold industrial chemicals. I always wore skirts, tank tops and sandals. No one cared. No one said anything. I did very well and it was a non-issue. The oil company had a big problem with my need for cool feet. So I would keep a pair of closed toe shoes in the trunk of my car. I was also accused of having no filter when it came to my big mouth. When the accusation was made, I informed them I did, in fact have a filter. It was in my trunk with my closed toe shoes. :)

Working in a manly man world was really cool most of the time. Though, I saw and heard things I couldn't believe. One man sat in his office and told me, in a very serious, matter-of-fact way "I am very oral." And he didn't mean that he liked to talk. Hmmmm, I am a sales rep. I want him to buy my product. I couldn't call him a name. I wasn't going to make a big deal. I heard stuff from these guys all day. As long as they didn't touch me or tell me to exchange sex for business, I would smile and act like I am not fazed. I have a tough hide and what he said did not bother me. I know he was hoping to clue me in on what he likes and perhaps, I would be so excited at the prospect of what he had to offer, I would disrobe immediately and fulfill his desire. No, I smiled and changed the subject, got the sale and left.

When I knew the writing was on the wall and there was no future for me in the world of crude (no pun intended), I decided that I would make a huge life change and move from Los Angeles to be closer to my mother living in Northern California. I had not planned on also becoming an author. Though I had already finished collecting all the stories I needed for The Virgin Diaries, I didn't think it would go anywhere.

Almost as soon as I arrived to my new home, I got in touch with Ralph Faust via Facebook (a man I knew in my youth) and after learning of my manuscript (TVD), he offered to design the format. Before I knew it, Ralph, my mother and I had collaborated on a finished product. Ralph introduced me to Creatspace.com, a sister of Amazon and The Virgin Diaries was born along with my company Ark Stories.

I dove in head first and felt my way through. I had no idea what I was doing but I knew my extensive sales experience and my years of acting and performing would definitely help me in the marketing aspect of getting my book out into the world.

Now that I have a year under my belt, I have more fuel (no pun intended again) and knowledge for book number two. I love what I do. More so than anything I have ever done.

I have cursed this economy over and over but it is because of this economy that I created a new path for myself. I have found my heart's desire!

In a weird way, I am grateful for this economic downturn. Don't get me wrong, I want improvement. I think the real benefit for many is the opportunity to start over. To realize a dream. It is easy to get lost in the everyday of paying bills and putting aside your true aspirations. Losing my job created an open door for me in my current profession.

So here we go with book number two. Already my father is asking, "What's the next book?"

The Virgin Diaries

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The Virgin Diaries.

Available in print and the Kindle price is only $2.99

A 44 year old male robot  describes his "first time." Actual story from the book. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRwmszJl_us

When I originally came up for the idea of this book, I simply thought it would make an interesting read. As I designed the questionnaire, I realized the importance of the opportunity I had. To create a book that would give virgins a non-biased view on first time sex.

So often you hear things from friends that are not accurate. I was told how great it was. Parents just don't want you to even think about it but the fact is we are human beings and there will always be a natural, healthy curiosity about sex and what it's like.

Most of us know the mechanics, how it works but most virgins don't have a real understanding of what to expect emotionally. How you will feel during and afterward.

The Virgin Diaries offers stories from both sexes and even six gay stories. This provides the reader with the "other person's" point of view. Not surprisingly, most of the women who shared their story report that their first time was less than thrilling, while males (most of them) loved it. A surprise for me was the person in this book who was the oldest to have first time sex was a male in his early thirties.

The stories are anonymous, candid, awkward, funny and sad.

It has been delightful to find both men and women of all ages, including the Baby Boomer generation really enjoying reading it as well as finding value.

For those parents who wish to help educate their children on sex but aren't quite sure how to bring it up, The Virgin Diaries is a great way to start a dialogue. I have had many parents thank me for making this available and it gave them a starting point. Most say they read it first and then leave it around for their teens to find on their own rather than handing it to them.

Here is a video with three fifteen-year-old girls sharing their thoughts on "The Talk" and the book.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBfElsrqcCA

One last note, one reviewer mentioned she didn't feel that The Virgin Diaries was appropriate for teens under eighteen. While it is not my place to tell parents how to raise their children, please keep in mind a great many people in this book (including females) lost their virginity before eighteen. They did not ask permission. They did not announce it. They were curious and one fifteen year old female who was "the good girl" and on the honor role wound up pregnant. So if you are a parent, a virgin or anyone who is interested in the psychology of humanity, The Virgin Diaries is a totally unique book designed to educate, inform and entertain. More info including two full stories are on my site arkstories.com

Thanks for reading.

The Virgin Diaries