3rd Graders Engage In Oral Sex At School

I saw the shocking headline 3rd Graders Reportedly Have Oral Sex Under Desk, Teacher Fired For Not Noticing and immediately thought; another example of why parents should be pro-active when tackling the issue of sex education in the home.

As an author of a book on first time sex meant for teens and virgins, I occasionally catch some flack from parents saying teens should not talk about or even know anything about sex. It's understandable that the idea of your child thinking about, engaging in or talking about sex is an uncomfortable one, but when you delude yourself as a parent and see your child as the exception, you do your child a disservice. You leave them to find out for themselves about sex and they usually get their information from peers, television and social media and that information is usually not accurate.

Here's the deal. Children are exposed to sex. Somehow, some way these third graders found out about oral sex. I'll tell you, when I was eight, there was NO WAY IN HELL, I would have let ANYONE see my private parts. But that's me. There are those youngsters who don't take issue and don't feel that same kind of embarrassment. I personally don't think what they did was wrong. But I also think that it should be explained to them that it isn't appropriate and why this kind of behavior is not to be repeated. Not by shaming them or by telling them that curiosity about sex is wrong but by being honest. I would ask where they saw this behavior and LISTEN to how they reply. I would explain that these kinds of actions are designated for adults as an expression of emotion and that they are done in private. Maybe compare it to drinking alcohol. It's only for people of a certain age and must be done responsibly. Let them know it's a difficult subject and not easy for them to understand but ask them to trust you and one day they will see why this sort of thing is not acceptable for people their age.

By raging, freaking out and making them feel shameful, you don't help them. You may even be encouraging them to be more curious.

Take a look at three fifteen year-old females talking about how they feel when it comes to parents, sex and thoughts on my book, The Virgin Diaries.



What It Was Like To Work On Days Of Our Lives

In 1977, when I was 9 years-old, I was flipping through the channels one weekday afternoon and happened upon a scene on Days Of Our Lives where two teens were about to engage in first time sex. The house could have caught fire and you would have had to pull me away from the TV. I was hooked and thus began my twenty plus year relationship with the show. Ironic that thirty some years later, I wrote a book about first time sex. 

In high school, I would watch it when I was home sick and on holidays. I turned many of my friends on to the show too. When we got a VCR, I got to record it and was back to watching it every day.

As with most soaps, many of the characters remained the same for decades. As a viewer, you feel as if these characters are part of your family. It doesn't matter that some of the plot lines are completely insane or implausible. It doesn't matter that continuity is often only a theory. Bo, Marlena, John and Maggie were my family. I cared about them and couldn't wait to see what would happen next.

When I was 20, I worked in a department store selling perfume near the NBC studios in Burbank where the show was taped. Many of the Days actors would come in. There were also a number of fragrance models I worked with who were also actors and they worked on Days. My mother worked as an extra on the show a few times before landing her role as Eliana, maid  to the evil Stefano DiMera.

When I was 21, I decided to pursue an acting career. I studied the Meisner Technique with Wayne Dvorak in Los Angeles. It was important to me that I understood what I was doing before I stood in front of a casting director. If I was horrible, I would surely only be remembered as the six foot blonde who didn't know what the hell she was doing. So, for two and a half years, I concentrated on honing my craft. When I graduated, my coach decided to create The Professional Level. Actors had to be voted in and we would continue to study as well as meet with casting directors and agents.

My mother, Ann Werner, also studied at Dvorak & Company. She graduated about a year before I did. We were both in the professional class when we heard Wayne knew Fran Bascom, the casting director for Days. We both hounded him to get her into the studio. We finally wore him down and Fran came to the studio with her assistant Ron Sperber. They hired pretty much everyone. I knew the entire back-story to my audition scene and felt like I had a leg up. I could tell they were impressed and they booked me. I was so excited. Not only had I booked my first national television show, it was DAYS! And to make it even better, two of my other classmates, Maria Kress and Kevin Molloy appeared in the scene with me. I played Marsha, a bitchy model. Maria was also a model and we were doing a photo shoot with Sami, Will, Carrie and Austin. I had several lines but the one I remember (and my favorite line of all time) was in reference to Will, Sami's son. I said "Life is hard enough without being born illegitimate."

It was December, 1995 when I first walked on to the set, I felt immediately comfortable. Even though everyone was a stranger to me, I felt like I knew these people. Everyone was friendly and I got to see the sets. I was so surprised at how much smaller everything looks in person Including the stars. Keep in mind, I am six feet tall, so I am usually the tallest person in any given situation but in the acting world, female height is rare, especially in soaps.

When my episode aired, I was happy with my performance. A few months later, they called me back. This time, I didn't have the safety net of my classmates and got very nervous. It showed on camera and to make matters worse, I looked directly at the camera while they were taping. They aired it. They are on such a strict schedule that things like that slip in. I am sure if I were one of the stars, it would have been re-taped. I was humiliated.

Time passed and lo and behold, they called me back to play a reporter. Once again, I worked with Sami and Carrie. My acting buddy Maria and I did the scene together.  I had another great line. I pointed to Sami and yelled to the newspaper photographer "Get a shot of her crying!"

About a year and a half after the first time I worked on the show, they called me in again to play a police officer and that was my character until my last day in late 2002. I worked more frequently and had the opportunity to really feel like I was a real part of the show, even if the role I played was a small one. I was part of the Salem PD. There were jokes made about the lack of intelligence of the Salem Police Department, primarily by the actors playing the cops. We called ourselves The Keystone Cops and laughed a lot. On one episode, we were searching for the all important murder weapon. One of the officer's lines to the head of police after being instructed to keep the search going into the wee hours of the night was something like "But it's dark." Oh, how I loved being a part of that show!

One of the other more memorable experiences I had was a day that we were shooting a Gala. I was an under-cover cop and got to wear a gown. The day was long and grueling, We were all on set early and taping until midnight. Deidre Hall aka Marlena (The Diva of Days) was in the scene and after rehearsal, we took a quick break. She pulled me to the side and gave me pointers on how to stand to get the most flattering light. She made an effort to help me even though she and I really didn't know each other. I was so touched. Everyone's moods were wearing quite thin and people started to get punchy. She, like the rest of us, wanted to go home and this was not the time to get sloppy, She scolded the naughty ones, I was grateful that someone took control. We all were very tired. I will never forget the kindness she showed me.

For the most part, I had a wonderful time on the show. Of course there were some people who were not so friendly and I will not name names. As with any line of work, some people are nice, some aren't. There was only one person on the show who was quite nasty and said things about me behind my back. I was alerted by someone in the make-up crew. I was not surprised by this because I'd overheard this person talking poorly about another actor on the show. But that is what happens with human beings. It didn't have a negative effect on my experience. Now, I can say that a soap star talked sh*t about me!

The last little story I will include is about my police uniform and my hair & make-up. The uniforms were designed for men and never quite fit me properly, especially in the hips. Men tend to have slimmer hips than women and with the holster I  wore, the pain would often be intense. Add to that the pants were always too short and on the day I complained and asked for longer ones, I was told they wouldn't shoot my whole body. Well, guess what? That was one of the episodes that my high-water pants were glaring. On top of all of that my hair and make-up were insane! They would often put my hair in a french twist and it felt as if I wore a pound of make-up. I certainly didn't look like your average female police officer. Though I did almost fool Ken Shocknek, an NBC news anchor. We were both having lunch at the NBC commissary and he was sitting by me. He kept staring and eventually asked me if I was a real cop to which I responded, "I'm not a cop but I play one on TV."

The Virgin Diaries & The Adult Virgin

 

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Anthony Tarquinto,  and he shared what it feels like to be a 42 year-old male virgin. Anthony read my book The Virgin Diaries and expressed gratitude that someone wrote a book for him. It was a wonderful thing to hear! I wanted this book to be helpful and informative to virgins because people who've never had sex, have questions about it. I did. The Virgin Diaries has the answers to what it feels like the first time, for any virgin of any age.


TLC aired it's controversial new show The Virgin Diaries (no relation to my book) on December 4, 2011.

Hype about the "first kiss" of a couple who just married was all over Twitter. From the tweets and comments I saw, TLC is being accused of exploiting virgins.

I watched the show. I personally do not believe TLC was exploiting anyone. They followed the lives of a group of adults who have chosen to either "reclaim their virginity" or wait until marriage to become sexually active. It is an odd thing in modern day society to be in your 30's and still be a virgin. Whether you think these folks are to be revered or ridiculed is not the point. Abstinence is their personal choice and TLC just captured a glimpse into their lives.

One thing that struck me is the fear and emotion displayed by the bride talking with a friend about her wedding night. As an adult who's never had sex, the expectation was extreme. She specifically stated that she didn't know what to expect and it was then I then shouted to the television "HELLOOOOO!!! I CREATED A BOOK FOR YOU!"

The older you are and the longer you wait to have sex puts more and more pressure on what it will and should be like. After consummating their marriage, The groom stated it wasn't what he was expecting and that it wasn't like the movies. The bride said it was painful. Well, this is no surprise to me. A.) I am not a virgin so I have real life experience here and B.) There's more than one story in The Virgin Diaries where the author states how the media glamorizes first time sex and how their first time was nothing like what they've seen portrayed in TV and film.

When I came up with the idea to collect stories of what it felt like to have first time sex, I focused more on targeting teens. Anthony Tarquinto and TLC opened my eyes to the fact that there are plenty of adults who have yet to take the leap and they have their own specific set of questions, fears and expectations. Perhaps the prolonged build-up of anticipation creates a more urgent sense of curiosity?

When Anthony thanked my mother and me for making The Virgin Diaries, it really made me think about who can benefit by reading 72 people's accounts of what it felt like, both emotionally as well as physically to go all the way. TLC's show convinced me that those who choose abstinence, for whatever reason, would like to be able to utilize the information I've collected.

Nothing compares to first-hand experience but to fill the gap while waiting, The Virgin Diaries promises to help answer whatever questions may arise. Of the 72 men and women who shared their story, a good portion were 20 and older before they lost their virginity.

Watch a Youtube of an animated avatar reciting a story from the book: VIDEO

***As a result of the TLC premiere, the video has gotten over 8000 hits since 11/29/11.

The Virgin Diaries is avaiblable for purchase on Amazon.com. Paperback and eBook.

Order your copy here.

See more information on http://www.arkstories.com/

Interview With Anthony Tarquinto: The Real 42 Year-Old Virgin

Anthony's Blog: http://www.orangecountyvirgin.com/


A while back I was contacted by Anthony Tarquinto. He is a 42 year-old virgin who wrote a book titled The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin  and found my book The Virgin Diaries online. He expressed an interested in somehow working together.

I was not sure what to think initially. I read a little bit of his book online and saw that he not only wrote of being a virgin but he included a very conservative political ideology. My book The Virgin Diaries has no agenda, political or otherwise other than to provide virgins with the tools to make an informed decision.

The Virgin Diaries doesn't encourage or discourage anyone where first time sex is concerned. I just remember being a virgin and I had questions - even when I wasn't ready or willing to engage in sexual activity.

Below is a thoughtful and very interesting post from Anthony. I am very grateful he reached out to me and my mother and assured us that he would only focus on the subject of virginity. Thank you Anthony! We both appreciate your eloquence and candor.

~~~~

*My name is Anthony J. Tarquinto. My friends call me Tony.

I am an independent financial consultant and investment advisor based in Aliso Viejo, CA. My best friend is Robin Basner. She lives in a town called Diamond Bar.

I’m also a volunteer counselor at All Experts www.allexperts.com in the category of Abstinence/Celibacy. I’ve gotten questions from people all over the world about dealing with this.

My birthday was a few weeks ago. I’m now 42.

I am a Roman Catholic.

**There are two main reasons that I am 42 and still a virgin. First is because of the choices that I have made at various stages in my life:

- When I was in high school I was pretty much a geek. I was skinny with bad acne and a bad haircut. Just a big zero.

- When I was in college, I was a total recluse – shy, always studying and always alone in the library – kind of a bookworm. I just didn’t try hard enough.

- In the 1990’s, I was very insecure in my career and always worried. I didn’t have much going for me in those days and my self-esteem was very low.

- In the 2000’s my career finally took off and I started making money. I worked in outside sales and I was always on the road. I traveled, saw new things, experienced all kinds of cool stuff, and sort of “gave up” trying to find a woman. It was almost like I boycotted women. Call it a “girlcott”. This period of my life (the good times) is when I should have found a relationship and finally had sex. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off and delaying, and saying to myself, “maybe next year.”

This was the biggest mistake of my life. I had so many chances to be with so many quality women and I JUST PLAIN BLEW IT. It haunts me to this day. There were women with whom I was genuinely compatible and had a realistic chance of developing something long-term. Shame on me for not going for it when I had the chance.

The second reason I am still a virgin is because of the overarching edict of the Catholic Church, which forbids having sex outside of wedlock. From a young age I was told in Sunday School and CCD that Catholics must wait until marriage to have sex. I have preached this my entire life, but now I’m having doubts. Here’s why: At the end of the day, I am on the losing side of the intellectual argument for celibacy because as a Catholic, my first and foremost guidance comes from the Bible, specifically the Book of Genesis. In Genesis, Adam and Eve have sex.

Adam and Eve were not married. This throws the entire dogma out the window. 

***If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t have been such a narcissist during the good years. I wouldn’t have been so arrogant. I was totally wrapped up in my work and I didn’t think about the future. 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 were phenomenal years for me and I got blinded by my success. Then when the 2008 financial crisis hit, I lost everything – my job, my career, my house, my company car - everything but my virginity.

 I’ve picked up the pieces since, but I now have the “virgin” thing to deal with, which started when my book came out in last year – The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin. It’s about business, politics and religion, which are hot topics these days. My positions are controversial and extremely conservative.

Also, if I could do something over, I wouldn’t have been so harsh and acerbic in the book. I was angry when I wrote it and it’s pretty obvious.

Now I’m toxic. It’s all out there now. Any girl that reads my book finds out that I am a far-right, fire and brimstone conservative (pro-life, Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, etc.) and I can’t hide it. Most women that I meet nowadays are repulsed by Sarah Palin, yet I identify with her. I’m a loose cannon. No girl wants a guy that thinks and talks like I do, and that’s just reality. I said what I said and wrote what I wrote, and now I have to deal with it. The book has been out two years now and I’m just finding this out.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want “sympathy” sex. But If I ever do find a girl now, despite everything that’s happened to me, at least I know it will be real. At least I know that she’ll know everything about me and I won’t have to worry about hiding anything. I won’t have to spring it on her that I’m a virgin.

                                

****There are between 110,000,000 and 115,000,000 adult males in the United States according to the 2010 U.S. Census. I know of only two virgins – me, and another guy Jason who asked me for advice at All Experts.com.

That’s it.

But it can’t be. There’s no way out of 100,000,000 or so guys that there are only 2 virgins. There have to be more. That’s where Kimberley and Ann come in.

I was surfing the web one night when I came across The Virgin Diaries and I couldn’t believe it. Finally! Somebody actually cares about virgins! A book dedicated to….me!

I don’t feel alone anymore. The Virgin Diaries is a must read for the mature teen (or any virgin for that matter) who wants a broad insight into what it’s like to have sex for the first time. I learned a lot.

            Now I know what others were thinking right before they had sex for the first time, and what it was like after. The profiles in The Virgin Diaries are anonymous, so it’s no holds-barred. It is very honest and up front.

The Virgin Diaries totally changed my thinking on losing virginity because of how the respondents in such detail recall how they lost their virginity, the name of the person they first did it with, and the time, place, and other meaningful circumstances in their lives. There must be something very special about sex if people can recall it this vividly. The respondents seemed as if they really enjoyed conveying their stories - like it brought back fond memories of a more innocent time in their lives. The book is a compendium of the most intimate aspect of peoples’ lives. I used to think that losing my virginity was not going to be a big deal or all that important. Well, it is important. This is my life here, and Kim and Ann prove that.

*****I wish this book was available when I was younger. It would have been an enormous help. If I had read the The Virgin Diaries, it would have taken me in a different direction because I wouldn’t have taken my future for granted. I always thought I would eventually find a girl and fall in love and have sex and maybe even get married. Life is too short to be a virgin and I wish I would have thought about these things ten years ago.

******Ultimately, the benefit of The Virgin Diaries is that it lets a person who has never had sex know that it is OK to wait. There are so many profiles from people from all walks of life that the reader will connect with at least one of them.

“I would tell virgins to make sure that the person you are going to do it with the first time is as happy and satisfied as you are. If you’re going to do it, make sure you know that the person you’re going to do it with is someone you can trust and continue to have a relationship with when you’re done.”

This is from a 45 year-old male who did it for the first time when he was 24. I can relate to this. Twenty-four years old is a late-bloomer, and I’m a REAL late bloomer. This is just one of the many essays that had an impact. Maybe there is hope for me!

“As for advice from religious figures, I was in Catholic schools for twelve years. Sex is something that was never brought up.”

            From another 45 year-old male who was raised Catholic. I can definitely relate to this.

*******I believe that 18 should be the minimum age before engaging in sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. Women in their early teens haven’t fully developed their bodies yet, and sex could do damage (both physically and psychologically). I’m no doctor, but this is what I have heard from various healthcare professionals and psychologists over the years. Boys are more prone to be damaged on the psychological side by having sex too soon. Many counselors say that male expectations of sex are different than a female, and early sexual activity can distort things and perhaps even warp the male mind.

*******I feel like being a virgin is a liability for me at this point because when you get to a certain age, it’s as if women are thinking, “OK. Something must be wrong with this guy. He’s 42 and hasn’t had sex yet?”

- Like red flags go up when they find out about all of this.

            This is a sign that there is some serious fundamental problem with me. There must be something seriously wrong with a guy who’s 42 and never been laid.

            If I were an average guy with a wife and kids and a normal job, and I heard there was a 42 year old virgin, I’d think the guy was a real loser – like a mental case or something.

*********There are pros and cons to being celibate and honestly, I would not encourage any guy to abstain from sex just for the sake of being a virgin. The right girl may never come along and life is too short. The bottom line is this: Being a male virgin in my forties benefitted me because of the movie.

The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (Universal Pictures 116 min.) was a precursor to my real-life story, and it was sheer coincidence that I turned 40 shortly after it came out. Everything that I have now I owe to Steve Carell, and I’ve never even met the guy. The whole thing sort of happened by accident.

            But being a virgin stinks. I wouldn’t recommend it for any guy in his thirties, forties, or any age, because you’re different and being different is difficult. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I just want to find a girl, do it and get it over with. My fifteen minutes is up now. I just want to get on with my life.

*********While I have not been told outright by a woman that she doesn’t want to be with me because I’m a virgin, I get the feeling that that’s the reason. Seems obvious, don’t you think? Maybe they’re freaked-out by the whole thing.

  

Excerpts from The Virgin Diaries

There are other books that have collections of virginity stories. The Virgin Diaries is not the first nor will it be the last. People are interested in sex. Especially virgins and that is why I made this book. I remember being a young girl, a bit of a prude and had zero interest in having sex but because our culture is so obsessed with it, I had a healthy interest. "What is all the fuss about?"

Before compiling the stories, I was unable to find any other collection that had such a diverse mix. The people who shared their tale range in ages 20-77. They are gay, straight, male and female. The majority state they got NO advice from parents or anyone.

It was important to me that when collecting these stories, they were not too sexually graphic. I didn't want to make a soft porn book, I wanted a source for curious virgins so that when sex starts to become a real issue and possibility, they could make an informed decision on what to expect emotionally as well as physically.

Last, I didn't want any commentary. No history, no comparison - not to other stories in the book or my own experiences. I trust the reader can make up their own on what to think and how to feel.

Here are some excerpts from the book. The Virgin Diaries is only $2.99 on Kindle and the paperback edition is $12.95


Female. 77. I was 15 years old.

"...Looking back, it was very sweet and a very important time of my life because I had somebody to hold, to be with. I was relatively insecure in myself. It just made me feel close to somebody and that I needed to be a part of somebody's life. That's what it did. We had boyfriends then, we didn't have parties where people switched partners and it was just different. You went steady and eventually you had sex. You loved each other, whether it was real love or not. It was something you did to be close...."

Female 46. I was 21 then---nearly 22.

"....The best part was being that close to another person. The worst part was the pain...

The only thing that I'd change now is that I'd have told him I was a virgin. I think I sold him a little short on that one. And it would've been nice if we'd have both shared the experience of my first time as such together. Perhaps it was my withholding the truth that ultimately led to his withdrawing his affection and backing away. Now I'll never know if that little while lie cost me dearly..."

Male 43. I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a girl I didn't even like.

"...I remember getting drunk and taking this girl into my friend's bedroom, as I had many times before. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and luckily, because I was drunk and did not care about her, I wasn't embarrassed...

I found out later that night that she was a virgin too and really liked me a lot. I didn't care one way or the other, not because that's my personality, I just had a world of other more important things on my mind, like what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life...."

Female 20. I was just 17.

"...Looking back, my worries were not really what stopped me. I just was not ready. I worried about it changing our relationship, pregnancy and the pain of the first actual time and Jim. However when we did have sex for the first time, I did not even think twice about any of these things....

Physically, my first sexual experience was painful. I don't remember him having trouble getting it in but I felt as though my body was being ripped in half. In an overwhelming mixture of physical pain and unfathomable emotional connection, I cried. With every tear that fell out of my eyes, Jim kept kissing me and telling me he loved me...."

Male 26. At the time I was a sophomore in college.

"...I was a Nervous Nelly. I had no idea what to do and I didn't want to look like an idiot...

I was happy, scared, sad, all of it. It happened so fast, so all of the emotions were pouring out of me at the same time. I was respectful and gentle and sweet..."

Read The Reviews: Click

Read Two Full Stories. Click

Watch The Video: Click

Purchase Kindle Edition: Click

Purchase Paperback Edition: Click

Growing Up In Los Angeles

                              

                                                                                                     

In 1977 my single mother moved us from Baltimore Maryland to Los Angeles California. I was nine.

At first, I was upset. I missed my family and friends. It didn't take long for me to acclimate to the gorgeous weather and glitzy lifestyle though. We lived in Brentwood, an upscale neighborhood. Most of my friends had wealthy parents. I remember the first time I had a sleep-over at a friend's house. Her parents worked for Sasoon Jeans and I couldn't get over that they had five bathrooms. It was a mansion.

My mother had several different jobs and one of them got us the opportunity to go to celebrity softball games. All the stars of the hit shows played in the games: Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy and several others. I loved every minute of it.

When I was a teen we lived in the South Bay. The ocean was the backdrop. My girlfriends and I would leave school at lunch and drive to the beach where all the construction guys were and we would flirt and laugh. My life was good. I had a lot of friends and fun.

In my early twenties I lived in Hollywood. My neighbor Mic is a professional dancer and I hung with him and the dancer crowd. Mic had more luck and energy than anyone I've ever met. For fun, he would shoot and edit videos of pop songs that were popular at the time. Total bubblegum music and not my first choice but I was often the lip-sync star. Mic would get a bunch of his professional dancer friends together, we would all find a location, they would come up with some choreography and I would pretend to be the lead singer.
Mic would then edit it to look like a real video. It was an arduous process and he would play the same part of a song (loudly) over and over and over to get the music matched up to the footage. His neighbors had to endure the monotony but no one ever complained. The end result was always entertaining and I loved being part of it. I only have some of those videos on tape. They are old and the quality sucks. I hope that one day he puts the footage on disc. I know I won't.

I soon got bitten by the acting bug. I studied at the Dvorak & Co. acting studio and another chapter began. I met a lot of interesting people and was fortunate enough to appear on a soap for seven years. I started watching Days Of Our Lives the summer before I moved to L.A. The first day on the set, I had the good fortune of doing my first national television appearance with two of my friends from the acting studio. I already felt like I knew the cast. It was an amazing experience. I always enjoyed being on the show, even when the hours were grueling. Deidra Hall (Marlena) had always been one of my favorite characters and she took a bit of a shine to me. One day when filming, she took me aside to make sure I knew they best way to stand so that I would be in the most flattering light. I will never forget her doing that. She had no reason to.

I attended many A & B-list Hollywood parties. My biggest regret is the time I went to an A-list party alone. Bill Maher walked by me. I knew who he was but I wasn't too familiar with his work on Politically Incorrect. I made no attempt to say anything to him. If that opportunity presented itself to me now, I would definitly say hello. I can only imagine what that crazy converstaion would be like.

After the better part of a decade, I decided I no longer wished to pursue an acting career and got into sales. I worked in various industries for another decade until the economy took a dump on everyone. I moved to Northern California on September 26, 2009. My two year anniversary has just passed and I feel torn. I miss things about Los Angeles. It's a unique place to grow up. There are a lot of things about L.A . that are horrible: The traffic, the air, the plastic, but it also has a of diversity, beauty, creative people and fun things to do.

Just before I left L.A. I wrote this note on Facebook. I recently re- read it and all the crazy memories flooded in. L.A., will we ever live together again? Time will tell...

Ciao City Of Angels

Since 1977 I have lived all over Los Angeles.

Brentwood, Laurel Canyon, Beverly Hills, Silverlake, Hollywood, Torrance, Hollywood again and Glendale.

I know these streets in and out.
I have had so many crazy, fun, scary and amazing times here.
I have been friends with the extremely wealthy, the poorest of poor and everything in between.

Some highlights include:

Dvorak Acting Studio

Rich, Denise, Kara and Gage. I LOVE(D) THEM!

Recording a song for a movie for the Smithsonian Institute with Ricky Nelson's sons.

Hanging in Malibu with Nicole, her crazy Mom Phyllis and the band Chicago.

Working on Days of Our Lives for seven years.

Woody Harrelson's birthday party. It seemed as if every celebrity in Hollywood was there. He had a stage where Melissa Ethridge performed. There was a tee-pee and inside was the man with the pipe. Joan Collins was there too, along with Glenn Close and Danny DeVito.

The Derby (the nightclub featured in Swingers) and Jack's Sugar Shack - two of the most fun bar/clubs ever.  One night close to Christmas, my friend Maria and I went to Jack's. A parade of dirty Hollywood Santas entered the bar. One leaned over a candle and caught fire! Earl, a Jack's barfly, was enjoying himself one evening. A singer who called herself Pearl Harbor came over and shook her giant tits for him and he fell off the bar stool and broke his hip. As soon as it healed, he was back and telling everyone of his crazy night with Ms. Harbor. True story!!!

As a teen I remember walking on Vine just up the block from where Jack's was located. Spray painted on a parking lot wall was "Agnes Moorehead is God." It would get painted over but eventually someone would write it again.

David Lee Roth kissing me at the Rainbow.

All the Hollywood parties Kathryn and I went to.

Working as a street vendor on Venice Beach with my mom. We sold leg warmers and beaded tee-shirts and that's how my mother earned her living for about a year.

Mic Thompson and all the fun times we shared, making videos and having "coffee."

Going to Griffith Park Observatory the first weekend of my senior HS year to watch the laser Zepplin show, taking shrooms and winding up at Hollywood Presbyterian on a Saturday night with all the stab victims.(My mother had to drive 50 miles to pick me up. That was fun!))

Getting drunk with Mom and Sweevie after acting class. Steve wore one of my dresses and I put on my Prom dress and we played ding dong ditch at 2 am.

My date with hunky ABC newscaster Phillip Palmer after I sent him a snail mail letter and got that date!

Working with Stacey and eating at El Torito.

Stalking Magnus and John with Melanie singing "Blaze of Glory" and "If I Could Turn Back Time" at the top of our lungs!

There are so many memories I hold dear. This Saturday, I will leave this crazy, horrible, hilarious, fun, vapid wasteland. I am grateful for the unique experiences this city has given me. I am also grateful to be leaving while I am still young enough to start over somewhere new and beautiful. I don't know what lies ahead. I hope it's good. I am finished with Los Angeles and though I see it through jaded eyes and am mostly disgusted, I realize it helped make me who I am. The good, the bad, the ugly - and the beautiful.
Good-bye Los Angeles. It was a wild ride.

So You Want To Publish Your Book! What Do You Do?

People often ask me about publishing their book independently. They ask me for advice. They want to know if it's difficult. It's time consuming to answer each person individually so I have decided to blog about it.

First and most importantly: It's easy to self publish. It's difficult to "make it" as an author.

In the last two years, the self publishing wave has continued to grow and evolve. eBooks are changing the face and rules of publishing in many ways. Before I go into that I will begin with how to get started.

Do a Google search of self-publishing and you'll find a plethora of information. You have numerous choices. Createspace, Lulu and Smashwords are a few of the more popular options. I use Createspace. I do not utilize their editing, formatting or cover art. My mother and I created our own publishing company, ARK Stories, and she handles our editing and formatting. Ralph Faust is an artist who does all of our cover art and logo artwork. Each author must decide which route to take. Because we do all the heavy lifting ourselves, the cost is minimal. We pay for expanded distribution, which means our books are available internationally on Amazon as well as other online booksellers. Recently, we have also started to utilize Smashwords. They allow for customers to purchase your eBook for any application such as NOOK or iPad. You will have to investigate each one and decide which you will go with.

Once you have a book that is ready for purchase, the next phase of marketing begins and frankly, it's the most difficult. Social media opens a lot of doors but it needs to be worked day in and day out. You must be focused and have a plan. The plan may change but you always need to be researching and looking for your audience. When Twitter is used correctly, you can target followers by following them first. For example, if your book is available on Kindle, follow people who follow Kindle. Most follow back. Get personal with them. Engage people, ask questions, reply, retweet and  blog, blog, blog. If Twitter mystifies you, Google "Twitter Tutorial" and you will have a much better understanding of what you are doing.

Facebook is also a great way to market but is less targeted. It is important to be yourself. If all you do is post what you're selling, you'll quickly be ignored. It's a delicate balance of engaging and making people aware of your work. No one wants a hard sell.

Finding reviewers of your genre is extremely important. It is time intensive. Look online to see bloggers who review books, read their review policy and if your book falls into their purview, have a professional and friendly pitch. It's best to include a photo of your book and preview chapters. Be prepared for an honest review. Reviews are opinions and not everyone will love your book. Some may not like it at all and as much as that can sting, it's part of the process. Even Stephen King gets bad reviews.

Also look for bloggers who blog on your topic and see if they are interested in featuring you as a guest blogger or doing an interview. The more you can get your name, your book and your brand out in the world, the better chance you have of attracting people.

Create a website. Wordpress is a great free way to display your books and blog. It's free but it takes time and patience to navigate. It's not intuitive. You have to play around with it. If you don't have the time, you can find someone to help set you up for a fee. These people are all over social media. Find one you feel comfortable with.

Everyone wants to make it big. You are not the only one. There are a few independent authors who have hit the big time quickly. They are anomalies. Most authors must be patient and accept the fact that it's usually a long road.

Media is interested in what's hot. They are bombarded with proposals. Your book could be the best book ever written but if you are not a name, most of the time you will be ignored. You need to build your own buzz.

Research other authors who write your genre and see what they do. Follow them on Twitter, read their blogs. They have found a way to success and have information that you can apply. John Locke and Amanda Hocking are two who found huge success within one year. Locke signed an unprecedented deal with a big publisher allowing him to keep all the rights to his eBooks. He is helping independent authors immensely with this deal.

Realize that there are literally tens of thousands of people who are jumping on the self-publishing bandwagon. You are an ant in the mix. It's up to you to figure out creative ways to reach YOUR audience. There is no surefire way to success. This picture has been circulating on Facebook and it fits in perfectly here.

If you are looking to hit it big quickly and expecting that right after you publish, the pot of gold will immediately fall into your lap, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. It really depends on how much you want to be an author, no matter the financial outcome. If it's your passion, you stick with it. It took Dustin Hoffman ten years to finally find his break as an actor. He never gave up. I am sure he was met with people in the industry, as well as friends and family, who discouraged his efforts but he believed in himself and stayed the course.

If you would like to check out my works, please visit Arkstories.com.

The Elusive Male Psyche

                                                

                                     Women, do men confuse you?

Men have been confusing me for YEARS!!!!!!!!!! Just when I think I understand something or get a handle on one of them, they do something to make me scratch my head and run back to the drawing board to start all over.

In November of 2010, I was talking with a girlfriend of mine. Of course, the topic was men. Both of us sat there discussing, analyzing and trying to see if between the two of us, we could figure out the one she was seeing. She had just gotten back together with her boyfriend and we talked about how men handle break-ups differently than women. She said to me "That should be your next book!!!" Initially, I agreed but forgot about it until she said it again. I thought about it, discussed it with my mother and partner, Ann Werner, and decided that it was an amazing idea.

What do men go through when they lose love? How do they handle it? As women, we can sit and analyze all day long but wouldn't it be better to have MEN tell us?? The answer was a clear and resounding YES and the search for men to share their stories began.

We started looking for men to interview in December of 2010. The stories were slow to come in. I started to worry because that's what I do. My mother assured me that after the holidays, stories would come in at a swifter pace and like usual, Mom was right. They didn't pour in like they did for our first book The Virgin Diaries but they did come. In a five month period, we collected thirty-eight stories as well as observations about how men deal with a broken heart from therapists, bartenders and psychics.

Even though some of what these anonymous men shared was not surprising, so much of it was. I was shocked to learn that a great deal of them abstained from sex, sometimes for years after suffering a broken heart. That was indeed the most eye-opening piece of information that I took away.

I wondered at first if the stories would only come from a bunch of "sad sacks" and fortunately I was wrong. I was so moved by each one. They are all so different. What really got to me was that in these tales of woe, there was an underlying message that came through in each and every one. These men were not only telling us about the heartbreak they suffered, they showed us how they love. They expose the deep vulnerabilities men have when they open their hearts. Once they fall for someone, the feelings they have are monumental. Their ability to love is so deep.

In the book, we touch upon the fact that society, especially American society, frowns upon men openly expressing pain, considering it a sign of weakness. The result is men holding their feelings in and trying to navigate through their pain alone. Women know very well that when we are in distress for any reason, we can get on the phone with any number of our friends and talk it to death! We have the luxury of releasing our feelings.

It reminds me of an episode of Sex and The City where Carrie talks to her friends at nauseam about her break-up with Big. Eventually they had to shut her up but they were there for her as she dissected every little aspect of her relationship. She NEEDED to, she was in pain and her friends gave her the time and love she needed to move on.

In Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak, you can read about the man who was dumped because his fiance got huge fake boobs (click here to watch the video!)the Marine who got a "Dear John" email while serving in Iraq, the married man who had an affair with another man but doesn't feel he's gay and the guy who was left at the altar. I would bet good money you will be surprised at what these men disclose. The anonymity provided the perfect canvas for them to paint the picture without fear of being called a wuss.

Curious?

Click here to read  Two Stories  from the book!

And here to read the Reviews.

It's available in print and is only $.99 on Amazon Kindle. Click here to start reading it now!