Two Stories: Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

35  Straight

            I am a Marine.

            I was with my girlfriend Melissa for about two years when I was called to go to Iraq. Before I left, I bought Melissa an engagement ring. I proposed and she said yes. I knew I wanted to marry her months before I got the ring. I thought if I made it official, I would have a deeper motivation to stay alive.

            Melissa was my best friend. I met her when I was working as a bartender. She would come into the bar where I worked with her friends and we had an instant connection. She was so pretty. Long blonde hair, big brown eyes and the most beautiful lips I had ever seen. I tried to act cool around her but inside I was a mess. I wanted her so much but I was shy.

            One night she came into the bar alone. It was a slow night and we had a chance to really talk. I finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. For me, the first date was the start of us being together forever. I was twenty-five and she was twenty-three. She made me work for her affections and I was happy to.

            Before I left, she told me she was scared. I told her that we would email and write and that I needed her strength and prayers. I wanted to come back and marry her, start our life and our family. We planned to have a big familyat least five kids.

            It was July. I had been there for seven months. It was a hard month. Very hot and two of my good buddies died. I had also learned that my grandmother passed away and that made me sad. I was very close to her and it killed me not to be at her funeral. It wasn't long after that I got the email from Melissa. She told me she needed to break our engagement. She wrote she couldn't be engaged to me anymore because the time and distance were too much for her. Reading the email was surreal. I didn't know what to think. All these macho Marines surrounded me and I had to play it cool but I wanted to curl up and die. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't.

            That night when I went to bed, I cried very quietly. My best friend over there heard me and asked me what was going on. He was the only person I talked to about it. He did help me. He let me cry. There is something about being in a war. Men seem to bond in a way they don't when you're just friends at home having BBQ's and drinking beers. There was one time when I completely broke down and sobbed. He held me. I am sure a lot of the guys would have seen that as gay but

I was such a wreck. He was there for me and I will never forget it. I definitely felt suicidal in the beginning. I hoped that I would get shot or something. My buddy was there the whole time and I credit him for keeping me alive. I wanted to be careless.

            I didn't even tell my family about it for a month. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to answer questions. I emailed Melissa many times. I tried calling her and writing her letters but she never replied.

            When I returned to the States, I found out Melissa was with another guy. Many of my friends knew this but never told me. Looking back I am glad. It was hard to go through that. Being over there, not knowing if I would be around tomorrow, seeing people die all for a war I didn't believe in. I take pride in being a Marine. I would gladly fight and die for my country but we weren't fighting for our country. I won't get into it here but what I saw was very corrupt.

            I haven't admitted this to anyone but for about a week after I was dumped, I took my anger and frustration out on "the enemy. I was vicious. I was mean. It stopped when I realized that I was starting to become something I thought was evil. I am not an evil person. But I was so hurt and angry; I guess I thought if I could release it to the enemy, I could find some peace. It only made me feel worse. The whole rest of the time I was there, I hoped that I would hear from her telling me she changed her mind and wanted me again.

I saw Melissa a short while after my return home. We ran into each other in the store. We went to the parking lot. She seemed cold and scared. I was still very hurt and I asked her all these questions. Mostly Why? Why did she do this to me? Didn't she love me any more? All she could say was that she was sorry and ran to her car. It kind of brought it all up again for me and I felt like I had been dumped again. I did seek therapy both because of Melissa and my time at war. It did help. I was given Prozac and after a while, I was able to calm down and not feel so alone.

            I have looked her up on Facebook but she has a private profile so I can't really see anything. I never drove by her house or called and hung up. I didn't even call to talk to her when I got back. When I found out she was with someone else, I had too much pride. I did cry a lot at first but after a few months, I was able to get past it.

            During that time I wasn't dating anyone and didn't have sex either. I could have but I chose not to. I felt it would be too tough, that I would only compare her to Melissa.          

            I started dating and eventually started seeing a woman regularly. We aren't together anymore but the breakup was not devastating. We just didn't click. Right now I am dating a little and would like to find a woman to marry. I just put an ad on a dating site so we'll see. I hope that what happened with Melissa helps me and doesn't hurt me. I don't want to allow that pain to color my next relationship.

            There was a long time when I wanted to say hurtful things to Melissa. I wanted to hurt her because I was in so much pain. I never did and I am grateful. I know that wouldn't have helped her or me. Now I would just wish her well. I hope she understands what she did was cowardly and selfish and that breaking up with someone while they are at war is one of the most devastating things to do. I guess there is never a good time but that was a real low blow.

            I believe if you find the right mate, someone who fits with you, it's maybe what people call soul mates but I am not sure if I think that is all really true. I thought Melissa was mine but I guess I was wrong. I do know I can love someone, though, and I really want to.

                                                                * * * * * * * * * * * *

45 Confused

            I am married with three children. My wife and I married young, in our early twenties. Looking back, I married her because I felt that was what I should do. We dated and had a lot in common. We both came from upper middle class families; both attended college (where we met) and graduated at the top of our class. We both had the same idea of the kind of lifestyle we wanted to create. At the time I felt happy. She is a good woman and a great mother.

            She became friends with a woman many years ago who was also married. My wife invited the couple to dinner one weekend and I met the husband.

            From the start he and I got along. He is a dynamic man. Very funny and, after a short period of time, he invited me to play golf. At first, nothing felt out of the ordinary to me. The more we hung out, the more I enjoyed his company. I started to prefer spending time with him. One night I dreamed that he and I were sexual and it was highly erotic. I woke from the dream very disturbed yet completely turned on. I was so bothered by this. How could this be? I am not gay. I have never fantasized about a man and never felt an attraction to one before. I told no one of my dream and tried to push it down. But the thought of the sex with him was almost too much for me. The desire only grew after that point. On the occasions when we played golf after the dream, I sensed a certain energy coming from him and I wondered if he felt the same

          On a day our wives took the kids out, I invited him over to help me do some work around the house. I will spare you the details of how it got started but within two hours we engaged in the most fulfilling and satisfying sex I had ever experienced. It was mind blowing. Immediately afterward, we felt awkward and he left. I swore to myself it would never happen again but before I knew it we started seeing each other regularly. We went to hotels, planned golf trips and I found myself developing feelings for him. I started to feel jealous if he spent time with other men and wondered if he did this with them. When I asked him about it, he told me that I was the only man he was with and wanted to be with.

            This relationship went on for five and a half years. No one ever found out about us. I fell in love with him but I felt disgusted. I felt I was living a lie and didn't know what to do about it. He professed his love for me and we decided that we would just have to keep up the facade of our married lives because neither one of us knew how to explain this to any of our friends and family.

            In the midst of our relationship, Brokeback Mountain came out. My wife, who is religious (I am not), had some pretty hateful things to say about the film and I remember feeling immense guilt. I watched the film alone when it went to video and it made me feel awful. I thought about the consequences of exposing my relationship and what it would do to everyone I loved. I was filled with anxiety about my double life so I decided to end the relationship with him.

            We met and I told him we had to stop. It was awful. He begged me to continue the way we had been, that no one even suspected and he didn't know how to be happy without me. I couldn't do it anymore. It was breaking me. I felt love for him but I also felt what we were doing was wrong on so many levels. He tried for some time to get back to the way things were between us but I would not allow it. He tried to promise me that no one would ever have to know but these things have a way of getting out.

            For the next couple of years things were very uncomfortable. We still all saw each other as couples. He would call me and try to get back together but I told him he needed to move on and to stop asking me. He wrote emails, he cried and it was all I could do to keep my sanity. Eventually he and his family moved about an hour away. This made it easier to stop seeing each other and slowly but surely, we stopped talking altogether. Our wives are still friends but I avoid seeing him.

            I felt intense pain. I haven't cried. It's more like something inside of me has died. I feel numb about it. I have told NO ONE. It is something I will have to live with. I miss him all the time. I fantasize about living with him and sharing my life with him. It will never happen. I know sometimes I can be abrasive with my wife. I know it's because I secretly resent having to stay with her but it is the choice I made long ago and we have children. I must sacrifice my own desires so they can have a good life and feel they come from a respectable family.

            The breakup was so hard for me because I felt like I was in love with him but I felt wrong. To this day, I do not define myself as a gay man. I broke up with him because I couldn't keep living a lie. The guilt was consuming me. I still feel consumed with guilt but at least I made the decision to stop it before any of our families got hurt.

            I have not been with another man and I don't intend to. I do find myself wondering what it would feel like to be with another man, though. I wonder if I would fall in love with another man. I believe without a doubt I could enjoy sex with men but the feeling of love? I don't know. I will never find out.

            It has been many years since we've seen each other. I can't say I'm completely over him. I think about him all the time and wish there was a way we could be together but there isn't, so that is how it has to be. Even though I loved him, I find the situation itself to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

            To know me is to know I am not a dramatic man. I have felt desperate at times but more because I question my sexual identity. I did not expect this to be an issue I would have to deal with. I have always been matter of fact. I am not a "romantic." I would not take my own life for any reason. This relationship, though, has proved to be the most difficult experience of my life.

            I don't know if he's been with anyone else and I don't want to know. Fortunately, I don't have to hear about anything he may be doing. I think if I did find out he was with another man I would be very upset about it.

            I'm not over him but it's a goal I aspire to and I work on it daily. I have not sought therapy nor will I. I will deal with the consequences of my actions and do my best to conceal it from my family. I have said my piece to him but I do wish I could tell him I love him and feel I always will.

        

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How Do Men Love? How Do They FEEL When They Lose It?

 

 

 

Women are vocal about their feelings. When something upsets us, we find a girlfriend to talk to. We usually talk to all of our girlfriends because we know they'll listen, provide support, encouragement and if nothing else, a sounding board. Someone to vent to. It makes a huge difference. After we cry and rant and get all of the negative emotion out, we feel better.
 

 

What do men do? Do they cry? Sob? Talk to their friends and express their fears, hopes and vulnerabilities? The answer is, sometimes, yes they do. But not nearly as much as women.
 

 

In November of 2010, I was talking to a girlfriend about men. We discussed how men deal with a broken heart. We had our theories but it was a guessing game. She suggested that my next Reality Book should be about men and heartbreak. That I should interview them. The following December, I set out to do just that. I devised a questionnaire and put out the call for any willing participant.
 

 

By May 2011 my mother and writing partner, Ann Werner, and I had stories from thirty-eight men as well as observations of how men deal with lost love from psychics, therapists and bartenders. As the stories came in, I was always floored. These men were guaranteed anonymity and because of that, they felt safe to really share what goes on behind the veil.
 

 

The stories are all very different. Some men were dumped, some cheated on and  some widowed. Some of these men have been fortunate enough to have moved on and are now in happy relationships. What I found particularly interesting is in explaining how they deal with heartbreak, they also provide a glimpse into how they love. How important love and family is to them. How often does a man really let it all hang out and describe the pain of lost love? No man has ever confided in me that way. They may say they were hurt but that's as far as they'll go. They feel the need to appear strong, even when all they want to do is curl up into a ball and hide under the covers. Society expects men to "suck it up" and that is a lot to keep inside.
 

 

There's a Marine who got a Dear John email while serving in Iraq. When that story came in, I read it to my mother and selected friends. The response from all the women was the same. "WHAT A BITCH!" One married man with two very young girls lost his wife in a car accident. Another was dumped because his fiancé got fake boobs. The stories are so varied; as varied as the men who sent them in.

On a spiritual level, we are all in search of love. We all have the desire to be loved and when we are scared and vulnerable, we need reassurance that it's going to be OK. Part of how we can get through a break-up or losing someone we love is the knowledge that we are not alone. We can learn and get through our own trials a bit easier when we understand how others deal with it.
 

 

Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak was created to help both men and women have a better understanding of what men go through. It's an informal collection of stories with no commentary from us. We don't claim to have "the answer" or offer advice. You can read the stories and take away what you will. Each story will affect every reader differently. We are not experts or doctors. We simply wanted to collect these stories and get them out into the world. There is no other book at all like it. It is our hope that it will help to enlighten women regarding the male psyche as well as provide a path of recovery for those men who have experienced the wrenching pain of heartbreak by letting them know that they are not alone.

 

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Please visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to check out all of my works.

Excerpts from CRAZY - A Thriller by Ann Werner

ARK Stories will soon be releasing CRAZY.

It's a book about a serial killer---with a twist. You haven't seen this story before.

Look for it on Amazon (paperback and kindle) in May 2012.

Upon it's release,  a Kindle version will be FREE on Amazon for ONE DAY ONLY!!!!

Stay tuned.......

READ TWO CHAPTERS:

Emily Simonson is a successful chef, store owner and has an eatery on the trendy side of West Los Angeles.
She is six feet tall, blonde and after giving up a career in acting, found her bliss writing cookbooks and running her two related businesses. She has a problem though. Someone out there doesn't like her. Someone out there is looking to make her life a living hell...for the time Emily has left on this earth.

Here is a glimpse into the next ARK Stories release:

TEN

         The Guardian was talking again. It had been a long time since he had had anything to say but now he was back. The Guardian had always been the means to control the world, because the Guardian knew. He knew everything, things that were hidden from others. The Guardian knew when parents and siblings lied. Knew when teachers and employers were plotting behind your back. Whenever this happened, the Guardian stepped in with a warning and a plan of action. And now the Guardian was back. 

            Nobody else knew about the Guardian. He was private, a voice meant only for deserving ears. This had been made plain. To reveal his existence would be the ultimate betrayal and so he was kept secret. As long as he was secret, the protection would continue. The protection and the insights and the solutions. 

            It was hard to remember when the Guardian had first appeared. It was almost like he’d always been there: hovering, protecting, sympathizing when no one else cared. Now the Guardian was a part of everyday life again. He’d gone away for a while, chased by the medication that had made life so unbearable, so bland. It was a relief to have him back. Especially now, when that bitch was everywhere.

            “Have you been keeping up with your lessons?” The voice of the Guardian, soothing and welcome, a reminder of things to remember for self-preservation.

            “Yes. I’ve taken karate, judo and kickboxing, as well as firearms training.”

            “Good. Such skills can come in handy in times such as these.”

            “What else can I do? How else can I defend myself?”

            “There is nothing right now. That woman.... That bitch is out to get you. You know that, don’t you?”

            Head bowed, eyed closed tight against tears that would indicate weakness. A whispered answer, “Yes.”

            “There is no need to fear. She is a weak creature. You are strong. She feels a sense of false security because she spends her days surrounded by people. But we know her weaknesses and her vulnerabilities. We know where she lives.” Silence now as the import of that last statement is allowed to settle in. “I liked what you did with the note and the phone call.”

            A feeling of pride swells from within, for this was an original idea, not formulated and suggested by the Guardian. A smile. “Thank you. I thought it rather clever myself.”

            “Don’t get too cocky!” The Guardian was never one to appreciate self-aggrandizement.

            Then, in a more conciliatory tone,  “But it was rather clever. However, not nearly severe enough. She’s always envied you, you know. And now she’s out to show you that she’s better than you could ever be. But we both know she’s wrong, don’t we?”

            A nod of the head, no words are needed to answer, for the answer is clear. 

            “But it is annoying, is it not, that she gets all this attention? Especially since she’s so unworthy. You should be the one on television. The one being interviewed in the Times. You’ve got more talent in your toenail than that bitch has in her entire body.”

            Beaming, basking in the adulation that is so damned deserved and never forthcoming from those who should bow down and kiss the earth blessed by the touch of such talent.  “She probably fucked the producer of the show. Probably sucked the interviewer.” Warming now to the subject.

            “And that stupid twit Cassandra trying to put her together with that oh-so-pretty-co-host. What in the hell would he see in her anyway? She’s so tall. Looks like a giraffe!”

            Laughing now, at the thought of Emily Simonson with large orange and brown spots all over her big, ugly self.

            “I think she should pay. How about you?”

            “Oh yes. What shall we do?”

            “Oh, we’ll think of something.”

ELEVEN

            It was in a 9 x 12 brown clasp envelope. When Emily pulled it from the tight slot of her mailbox, she hardly noticed it, thinking it was just another piece of junk mail. But then she saw the carefully printed address. In pencil. With no return address.  

            She held it in her hands, remembering the first envelope and then that phone message. Almost without thinking, she checked to see if there were any suspicious bulges or too much tape or anything out of the ordinary, remembering stories seen on the news about letter bombs. There was nothing. It was a perfectly ordinary envelope. Except for that printing.

            She stood there, motionless, in front of the bank of mailboxes, staring at it. All of her other mail slipped unnoticed to the ground. Her stomach clenched into a knot and a ripple of foreboding crawled up her spine, raising the fine hairs on the back of her neck

            A car turned into the driveway, jarring Emily out of her trance. Quickly she gathered up her dropped mail and went back along the walk to her apartment. Inside, she threw the other mail on the small table next to the front door, then turned her attention back to the brown envelope. She didn’t want to open it but she had to know what was inside. Again she found herself checking if it contained some sort of harmful device but all that she’d been able to remember from the news stories she’d seen told her this wasn’t a bomb. Still, there remained an irrational fear. 

            She took it into the kitchen and laid it on the counter as she searched the drawers for a pair of tongs and a long knife. She held the envelope in place on the counter with the tongs and slit the flap with the knife. Nothing happened. She inserted the knife into the envelope and held it in place as she opened it with the tongs. From inside she withdrew what looked to be a piece of folded newspaper. Satisfied now that she wasn’t handling an explosive device, Emily put down the knife and tongs and unfolded it.

            It was the cover of the Calendar section from the Times. The one where they’d done the story on her and the Kitchen Witch. Staring back at her was a picture of herself, the name of the restaurant captioned beneath her. Only the person who’d sent this had taped a B over the W in witch. Around her neck a noose had been drawn and a red tongue was painted onto her mouth, hanging out in a cartoon parody of a person strangling. On the front of her blouse a bull's eye had been drawn over her heart and in the center was a dagger, thrust up to the hilt, the blade buried deep. At the bottom of the page was a neatly printed message. “Hey, Kitchen Bitch. I’m watching you!” She went to the phone and dialed the West L.A. Police Station with trembling fingers.           

Interview With Anthony Tarquinto: The Real 42 Year-Old Virgin

Anthony's Blog: http://www.orangecountyvirgin.com/


A while back I was contacted by Anthony Tarquinto. He is a 42 year-old virgin who wrote a book titled The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin  and found my book The Virgin Diaries online. He expressed an interested in somehow working together.

I was not sure what to think initially. I read a little bit of his book online and saw that he not only wrote of being a virgin but he included a very conservative political ideology. My book The Virgin Diaries has no agenda, political or otherwise other than to provide virgins with the tools to make an informed decision.

The Virgin Diaries doesn't encourage or discourage anyone where first time sex is concerned. I just remember being a virgin and I had questions - even when I wasn't ready or willing to engage in sexual activity.

Below is a thoughtful and very interesting post from Anthony. I am very grateful he reached out to me and my mother and assured us that he would only focus on the subject of virginity. Thank you Anthony! We both appreciate your eloquence and candor.

~~~~

*My name is Anthony J. Tarquinto. My friends call me Tony.

I am an independent financial consultant and investment advisor based in Aliso Viejo, CA. My best friend is Robin Basner. She lives in a town called Diamond Bar.

I’m also a volunteer counselor at All Experts www.allexperts.com in the category of Abstinence/Celibacy. I’ve gotten questions from people all over the world about dealing with this.

My birthday was a few weeks ago. I’m now 42.

I am a Roman Catholic.

**There are two main reasons that I am 42 and still a virgin. First is because of the choices that I have made at various stages in my life:

- When I was in high school I was pretty much a geek. I was skinny with bad acne and a bad haircut. Just a big zero.

- When I was in college, I was a total recluse – shy, always studying and always alone in the library – kind of a bookworm. I just didn’t try hard enough.

- In the 1990’s, I was very insecure in my career and always worried. I didn’t have much going for me in those days and my self-esteem was very low.

- In the 2000’s my career finally took off and I started making money. I worked in outside sales and I was always on the road. I traveled, saw new things, experienced all kinds of cool stuff, and sort of “gave up” trying to find a woman. It was almost like I boycotted women. Call it a “girlcott”. This period of my life (the good times) is when I should have found a relationship and finally had sex. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off and delaying, and saying to myself, “maybe next year.”

This was the biggest mistake of my life. I had so many chances to be with so many quality women and I JUST PLAIN BLEW IT. It haunts me to this day. There were women with whom I was genuinely compatible and had a realistic chance of developing something long-term. Shame on me for not going for it when I had the chance.

The second reason I am still a virgin is because of the overarching edict of the Catholic Church, which forbids having sex outside of wedlock. From a young age I was told in Sunday School and CCD that Catholics must wait until marriage to have sex. I have preached this my entire life, but now I’m having doubts. Here’s why: At the end of the day, I am on the losing side of the intellectual argument for celibacy because as a Catholic, my first and foremost guidance comes from the Bible, specifically the Book of Genesis. In Genesis, Adam and Eve have sex.

Adam and Eve were not married. This throws the entire dogma out the window. 

***If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t have been such a narcissist during the good years. I wouldn’t have been so arrogant. I was totally wrapped up in my work and I didn’t think about the future. 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 were phenomenal years for me and I got blinded by my success. Then when the 2008 financial crisis hit, I lost everything – my job, my career, my house, my company car - everything but my virginity.

 I’ve picked up the pieces since, but I now have the “virgin” thing to deal with, which started when my book came out in last year – The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin. It’s about business, politics and religion, which are hot topics these days. My positions are controversial and extremely conservative.

Also, if I could do something over, I wouldn’t have been so harsh and acerbic in the book. I was angry when I wrote it and it’s pretty obvious.

Now I’m toxic. It’s all out there now. Any girl that reads my book finds out that I am a far-right, fire and brimstone conservative (pro-life, Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, etc.) and I can’t hide it. Most women that I meet nowadays are repulsed by Sarah Palin, yet I identify with her. I’m a loose cannon. No girl wants a guy that thinks and talks like I do, and that’s just reality. I said what I said and wrote what I wrote, and now I have to deal with it. The book has been out two years now and I’m just finding this out.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want “sympathy” sex. But If I ever do find a girl now, despite everything that’s happened to me, at least I know it will be real. At least I know that she’ll know everything about me and I won’t have to worry about hiding anything. I won’t have to spring it on her that I’m a virgin.

                                

****There are between 110,000,000 and 115,000,000 adult males in the United States according to the 2010 U.S. Census. I know of only two virgins – me, and another guy Jason who asked me for advice at All Experts.com.

That’s it.

But it can’t be. There’s no way out of 100,000,000 or so guys that there are only 2 virgins. There have to be more. That’s where Kimberley and Ann come in.

I was surfing the web one night when I came across The Virgin Diaries and I couldn’t believe it. Finally! Somebody actually cares about virgins! A book dedicated to….me!

I don’t feel alone anymore. The Virgin Diaries is a must read for the mature teen (or any virgin for that matter) who wants a broad insight into what it’s like to have sex for the first time. I learned a lot.

            Now I know what others were thinking right before they had sex for the first time, and what it was like after. The profiles in The Virgin Diaries are anonymous, so it’s no holds-barred. It is very honest and up front.

The Virgin Diaries totally changed my thinking on losing virginity because of how the respondents in such detail recall how they lost their virginity, the name of the person they first did it with, and the time, place, and other meaningful circumstances in their lives. There must be something very special about sex if people can recall it this vividly. The respondents seemed as if they really enjoyed conveying their stories - like it brought back fond memories of a more innocent time in their lives. The book is a compendium of the most intimate aspect of peoples’ lives. I used to think that losing my virginity was not going to be a big deal or all that important. Well, it is important. This is my life here, and Kim and Ann prove that.

*****I wish this book was available when I was younger. It would have been an enormous help. If I had read the The Virgin Diaries, it would have taken me in a different direction because I wouldn’t have taken my future for granted. I always thought I would eventually find a girl and fall in love and have sex and maybe even get married. Life is too short to be a virgin and I wish I would have thought about these things ten years ago.

******Ultimately, the benefit of The Virgin Diaries is that it lets a person who has never had sex know that it is OK to wait. There are so many profiles from people from all walks of life that the reader will connect with at least one of them.

“I would tell virgins to make sure that the person you are going to do it with the first time is as happy and satisfied as you are. If you’re going to do it, make sure you know that the person you’re going to do it with is someone you can trust and continue to have a relationship with when you’re done.”

This is from a 45 year-old male who did it for the first time when he was 24. I can relate to this. Twenty-four years old is a late-bloomer, and I’m a REAL late bloomer. This is just one of the many essays that had an impact. Maybe there is hope for me!

“As for advice from religious figures, I was in Catholic schools for twelve years. Sex is something that was never brought up.”

            From another 45 year-old male who was raised Catholic. I can definitely relate to this.

*******I believe that 18 should be the minimum age before engaging in sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. Women in their early teens haven’t fully developed their bodies yet, and sex could do damage (both physically and psychologically). I’m no doctor, but this is what I have heard from various healthcare professionals and psychologists over the years. Boys are more prone to be damaged on the psychological side by having sex too soon. Many counselors say that male expectations of sex are different than a female, and early sexual activity can distort things and perhaps even warp the male mind.

*******I feel like being a virgin is a liability for me at this point because when you get to a certain age, it’s as if women are thinking, “OK. Something must be wrong with this guy. He’s 42 and hasn’t had sex yet?”

- Like red flags go up when they find out about all of this.

            This is a sign that there is some serious fundamental problem with me. There must be something seriously wrong with a guy who’s 42 and never been laid.

            If I were an average guy with a wife and kids and a normal job, and I heard there was a 42 year old virgin, I’d think the guy was a real loser – like a mental case or something.

*********There are pros and cons to being celibate and honestly, I would not encourage any guy to abstain from sex just for the sake of being a virgin. The right girl may never come along and life is too short. The bottom line is this: Being a male virgin in my forties benefitted me because of the movie.

The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (Universal Pictures 116 min.) was a precursor to my real-life story, and it was sheer coincidence that I turned 40 shortly after it came out. Everything that I have now I owe to Steve Carell, and I’ve never even met the guy. The whole thing sort of happened by accident.

            But being a virgin stinks. I wouldn’t recommend it for any guy in his thirties, forties, or any age, because you’re different and being different is difficult. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I just want to find a girl, do it and get it over with. My fifteen minutes is up now. I just want to get on with my life.

*********While I have not been told outright by a woman that she doesn’t want to be with me because I’m a virgin, I get the feeling that that’s the reason. Seems obvious, don’t you think? Maybe they’re freaked-out by the whole thing.

  

Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing: Why I'll Stay Indie!

As mentioned in the first of this series, I have had some interest from a mid-sized publisher for my blog Here She Comes.

Read first article here: Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing

At first, I was very excited that my work was considered worthy and still am. The publisher that expressed interest specializes in books with photographs and illustrations. They are located on the East Coast and focus on regional distribution. I would prefer not to have any illustrations for this project and I also don't wanted to be limited with where my books are available.

From what I have found, many small to mid-size publishers require the author to purchase a fairly large quantity of their own books, and though there are many authors out there who love being with their publishers, I have decided to stay independent.

I make Reality Books. This means I rely on other people's submissions to keep me going. I have three blogs up now with the intention of turning them all into books. The stories come in waves. Sometimes I get a lot; other times, I get busy and focus on other aspects of being an author. The stories will come in their own time and I don't want to feel pressure to have it done on someone else's watch. I want the quality of the entries to be worthy of the final product. This may take more time than a traditional publisher would permit.

I happened upon an article today that Penguin Books has now joined the self publishing game. Read the article: Here. They claim to respect the new wave of independent publishing and while that may be true, the truth is the Big Six are realizing their industry is being dramatically and quickly changed by the onset of authors getting fed up with all the rules being forced upon them. They know they now must be a part of this wave in order to stay competitive and in business.

When reading the interviews with the authors who have traveled both forms of publishing, it is clear that staying independent is the right choice for me. At least it is for now. I will admit, if one of the Big Six were to offer me a deal, that would be a whole other ball game and of course I would be a fool to decline.

It would give me the "credibility" that takes much longer to achieve when you go it alone. But I can guarantee that once I was able to make my living solely as an author, I would go back to self publishing. That's where the money really is if you have a decent following.

I would like to thank everyone for participating in the interview process and celebrate all the authors out there who help to entertain, inform and inspire!

Read all of the interviews:

Author Interview Sally Franz: Click Here,  Author Interview: Dorinne Davis  Click here,  Author Interview Geoffrey Hopf  Click Here ,  Author Interview: Betsy Balega Click Here,  Author Interview: Debra Ann Pawlak  Click Here

Visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to learn more about my works.

Excerpts From Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

What sorrow lurks in the minds of men suffering from a broken heart? Ain't No Sunshine knows!

How do men feel when they lose someone they love? Do they cry? Do they obsess? Do they call psychics? Under the protection of anonymity, thirty-eight men describe in detail how they've dealt with the pain of heartbreak. Whether it's because of divorce, betrayal, death or simply getting dumped, the raw honesty of these men may surprise you.

Modern American society so often discourages men from admitting to emotional pain, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. From an early age men are taught to "suck it up." Women often think men have it easier when it comes to the pain of heartbreak. But is that really the case? Ain't No Sunshine provides an opportunity to unlock those mysteries in this informal collection of stories.

Interviews with therapists, psychics and bartenders are included and provide informative insights into how men react to a broken heart.

Love is never easy. Loss of love is always difficult. Here is proof that not only do men struggle, sometimes the struggle is more difficult than it is for women.

Ain't No Sunshine is a rare glimpse into the elusive male psyche.

48 years old.

"...The problem was money. My wife and I could not afford to move out. Our money was tied up in the business and our home that had lost value and we had to figure out what to do. We decided to continue living together and tried to stay out of each other's way...

...I met Diane through a mutual friend at a dinner party. I was honest about my living situation but I made it clear I was interested in her and I wished to see her. She agreed to be my friend...After about six or seven months, we gave in and had sex. It was great...but then she pulled away...

 ...It took about seven or eight months before I was divorced, moved out and ready to go. I did what she asked. There were plenty of times when I wanted to call her and tell her I was moving out in three weeks---but she said she wanted me to be free. So I waited...

...When I contacted Diane, she seemed surprised and told me she was seeing another man..."

27 years old.

"...The breakup was so hard because it came out of the blue. I thought we were TOGETHER. I got COMFORTABLE! She ruined my world. I hate that the way I feel has anything to do with her. I want so much to get back with her. It's ALL I think about.

I sobbed, I drank, I sat alone all day on the weekend. I actually did call a psychic. She told me this woman was moving on and that she started seeing another guy. I was told that I should start dating again and that I will meet someone within a year. This pissed me off and it's the last time I will ever call a psychic...

...I am not over her. I found out she is seeing someone. I asked her about it and she confirmed it. SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE AUDACITY to ask my advice...

...I think the most embarrassing thing is how pathetic I am. I want her and she doesn't care about me. I'm not suicidal but I do feel desperate. WORST feeling ever!..."

76 years old

"...I met my Grace when I was in first grade...When we were fifteen, our school had a dance and I asked Grace. Fortunately for me, she agreed. This was a real coup as Grace was the first in our class to develop breasts and all of the boys wanted to go out with her. She was a great beauty...

...Five years ago, she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor...Two months later I had to bury her and that was the most painful day of my life---harder than the day she passed...

...The next six months were the loneliest and coldest I have ever lived. Every night I would cry myself to sleep. Every morning I would wake up and feel I had nothing to live for. I begged God to take me...I just sat in my chair and mourned my great love...

....I met a wonderful woman who has helped ease the pain...I have come to love her and I believe she loves me too. But I think both of us miss our respective mates..."

Reviews:  Click Here

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Please visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to check out all of my works.

Excerpts from The Virgin Diaries

There are other books that have collections of virginity stories. The Virgin Diaries is not the first nor will it be the last. People are interested in sex. Especially virgins and that is why I made this book. I remember being a young girl, a bit of a prude and had zero interest in having sex but because our culture is so obsessed with it, I had a healthy interest. "What is all the fuss about?"

Before compiling the stories, I was unable to find any other collection that had such a diverse mix. The people who shared their tale range in ages 20-77. They are gay, straight, male and female. The majority state they got NO advice from parents or anyone.

It was important to me that when collecting these stories, they were not too sexually graphic. I didn't want to make a soft porn book, I wanted a source for curious virgins so that when sex starts to become a real issue and possibility, they could make an informed decision on what to expect emotionally as well as physically.

Last, I didn't want any commentary. No history, no comparison - not to other stories in the book or my own experiences. I trust the reader can make up their own on what to think and how to feel.

Here are some excerpts from the book. The Virgin Diaries is only $2.99 on Kindle and the paperback edition is $12.95


Female. 77. I was 15 years old.

"...Looking back, it was very sweet and a very important time of my life because I had somebody to hold, to be with. I was relatively insecure in myself. It just made me feel close to somebody and that I needed to be a part of somebody's life. That's what it did. We had boyfriends then, we didn't have parties where people switched partners and it was just different. You went steady and eventually you had sex. You loved each other, whether it was real love or not. It was something you did to be close...."

Female 46. I was 21 then---nearly 22.

"....The best part was being that close to another person. The worst part was the pain...

The only thing that I'd change now is that I'd have told him I was a virgin. I think I sold him a little short on that one. And it would've been nice if we'd have both shared the experience of my first time as such together. Perhaps it was my withholding the truth that ultimately led to his withdrawing his affection and backing away. Now I'll never know if that little while lie cost me dearly..."

Male 43. I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a girl I didn't even like.

"...I remember getting drunk and taking this girl into my friend's bedroom, as I had many times before. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and luckily, because I was drunk and did not care about her, I wasn't embarrassed...

I found out later that night that she was a virgin too and really liked me a lot. I didn't care one way or the other, not because that's my personality, I just had a world of other more important things on my mind, like what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life...."

Female 20. I was just 17.

"...Looking back, my worries were not really what stopped me. I just was not ready. I worried about it changing our relationship, pregnancy and the pain of the first actual time and Jim. However when we did have sex for the first time, I did not even think twice about any of these things....

Physically, my first sexual experience was painful. I don't remember him having trouble getting it in but I felt as though my body was being ripped in half. In an overwhelming mixture of physical pain and unfathomable emotional connection, I cried. With every tear that fell out of my eyes, Jim kept kissing me and telling me he loved me...."

Male 26. At the time I was a sophomore in college.

"...I was a Nervous Nelly. I had no idea what to do and I didn't want to look like an idiot...

I was happy, scared, sad, all of it. It happened so fast, so all of the emotions were pouring out of me at the same time. I was respectful and gentle and sweet..."

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