Two Stories: Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

35  Straight

            I am a Marine.

            I was with my girlfriend Melissa for about two years when I was called to go to Iraq. Before I left, I bought Melissa an engagement ring. I proposed and she said yes. I knew I wanted to marry her months before I got the ring. I thought if I made it official, I would have a deeper motivation to stay alive.

            Melissa was my best friend. I met her when I was working as a bartender. She would come into the bar where I worked with her friends and we had an instant connection. She was so pretty. Long blonde hair, big brown eyes and the most beautiful lips I had ever seen. I tried to act cool around her but inside I was a mess. I wanted her so much but I was shy.

            One night she came into the bar alone. It was a slow night and we had a chance to really talk. I finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. For me, the first date was the start of us being together forever. I was twenty-five and she was twenty-three. She made me work for her affections and I was happy to.

            Before I left, she told me she was scared. I told her that we would email and write and that I needed her strength and prayers. I wanted to come back and marry her, start our life and our family. We planned to have a big familyat least five kids.

            It was July. I had been there for seven months. It was a hard month. Very hot and two of my good buddies died. I had also learned that my grandmother passed away and that made me sad. I was very close to her and it killed me not to be at her funeral. It wasn't long after that I got the email from Melissa. She told me she needed to break our engagement. She wrote she couldn't be engaged to me anymore because the time and distance were too much for her. Reading the email was surreal. I didn't know what to think. All these macho Marines surrounded me and I had to play it cool but I wanted to curl up and die. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't.

            That night when I went to bed, I cried very quietly. My best friend over there heard me and asked me what was going on. He was the only person I talked to about it. He did help me. He let me cry. There is something about being in a war. Men seem to bond in a way they don't when you're just friends at home having BBQ's and drinking beers. There was one time when I completely broke down and sobbed. He held me. I am sure a lot of the guys would have seen that as gay but

I was such a wreck. He was there for me and I will never forget it. I definitely felt suicidal in the beginning. I hoped that I would get shot or something. My buddy was there the whole time and I credit him for keeping me alive. I wanted to be careless.

            I didn't even tell my family about it for a month. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to answer questions. I emailed Melissa many times. I tried calling her and writing her letters but she never replied.

            When I returned to the States, I found out Melissa was with another guy. Many of my friends knew this but never told me. Looking back I am glad. It was hard to go through that. Being over there, not knowing if I would be around tomorrow, seeing people die all for a war I didn't believe in. I take pride in being a Marine. I would gladly fight and die for my country but we weren't fighting for our country. I won't get into it here but what I saw was very corrupt.

            I haven't admitted this to anyone but for about a week after I was dumped, I took my anger and frustration out on "the enemy. I was vicious. I was mean. It stopped when I realized that I was starting to become something I thought was evil. I am not an evil person. But I was so hurt and angry; I guess I thought if I could release it to the enemy, I could find some peace. It only made me feel worse. The whole rest of the time I was there, I hoped that I would hear from her telling me she changed her mind and wanted me again.

I saw Melissa a short while after my return home. We ran into each other in the store. We went to the parking lot. She seemed cold and scared. I was still very hurt and I asked her all these questions. Mostly Why? Why did she do this to me? Didn't she love me any more? All she could say was that she was sorry and ran to her car. It kind of brought it all up again for me and I felt like I had been dumped again. I did seek therapy both because of Melissa and my time at war. It did help. I was given Prozac and after a while, I was able to calm down and not feel so alone.

            I have looked her up on Facebook but she has a private profile so I can't really see anything. I never drove by her house or called and hung up. I didn't even call to talk to her when I got back. When I found out she was with someone else, I had too much pride. I did cry a lot at first but after a few months, I was able to get past it.

            During that time I wasn't dating anyone and didn't have sex either. I could have but I chose not to. I felt it would be too tough, that I would only compare her to Melissa.          

            I started dating and eventually started seeing a woman regularly. We aren't together anymore but the breakup was not devastating. We just didn't click. Right now I am dating a little and would like to find a woman to marry. I just put an ad on a dating site so we'll see. I hope that what happened with Melissa helps me and doesn't hurt me. I don't want to allow that pain to color my next relationship.

            There was a long time when I wanted to say hurtful things to Melissa. I wanted to hurt her because I was in so much pain. I never did and I am grateful. I know that wouldn't have helped her or me. Now I would just wish her well. I hope she understands what she did was cowardly and selfish and that breaking up with someone while they are at war is one of the most devastating things to do. I guess there is never a good time but that was a real low blow.

            I believe if you find the right mate, someone who fits with you, it's maybe what people call soul mates but I am not sure if I think that is all really true. I thought Melissa was mine but I guess I was wrong. I do know I can love someone, though, and I really want to.

                                                                * * * * * * * * * * * *

45 Confused

            I am married with three children. My wife and I married young, in our early twenties. Looking back, I married her because I felt that was what I should do. We dated and had a lot in common. We both came from upper middle class families; both attended college (where we met) and graduated at the top of our class. We both had the same idea of the kind of lifestyle we wanted to create. At the time I felt happy. She is a good woman and a great mother.

            She became friends with a woman many years ago who was also married. My wife invited the couple to dinner one weekend and I met the husband.

            From the start he and I got along. He is a dynamic man. Very funny and, after a short period of time, he invited me to play golf. At first, nothing felt out of the ordinary to me. The more we hung out, the more I enjoyed his company. I started to prefer spending time with him. One night I dreamed that he and I were sexual and it was highly erotic. I woke from the dream very disturbed yet completely turned on. I was so bothered by this. How could this be? I am not gay. I have never fantasized about a man and never felt an attraction to one before. I told no one of my dream and tried to push it down. But the thought of the sex with him was almost too much for me. The desire only grew after that point. On the occasions when we played golf after the dream, I sensed a certain energy coming from him and I wondered if he felt the same

          On a day our wives took the kids out, I invited him over to help me do some work around the house. I will spare you the details of how it got started but within two hours we engaged in the most fulfilling and satisfying sex I had ever experienced. It was mind blowing. Immediately afterward, we felt awkward and he left. I swore to myself it would never happen again but before I knew it we started seeing each other regularly. We went to hotels, planned golf trips and I found myself developing feelings for him. I started to feel jealous if he spent time with other men and wondered if he did this with them. When I asked him about it, he told me that I was the only man he was with and wanted to be with.

            This relationship went on for five and a half years. No one ever found out about us. I fell in love with him but I felt disgusted. I felt I was living a lie and didn't know what to do about it. He professed his love for me and we decided that we would just have to keep up the facade of our married lives because neither one of us knew how to explain this to any of our friends and family.

            In the midst of our relationship, Brokeback Mountain came out. My wife, who is religious (I am not), had some pretty hateful things to say about the film and I remember feeling immense guilt. I watched the film alone when it went to video and it made me feel awful. I thought about the consequences of exposing my relationship and what it would do to everyone I loved. I was filled with anxiety about my double life so I decided to end the relationship with him.

            We met and I told him we had to stop. It was awful. He begged me to continue the way we had been, that no one even suspected and he didn't know how to be happy without me. I couldn't do it anymore. It was breaking me. I felt love for him but I also felt what we were doing was wrong on so many levels. He tried for some time to get back to the way things were between us but I would not allow it. He tried to promise me that no one would ever have to know but these things have a way of getting out.

            For the next couple of years things were very uncomfortable. We still all saw each other as couples. He would call me and try to get back together but I told him he needed to move on and to stop asking me. He wrote emails, he cried and it was all I could do to keep my sanity. Eventually he and his family moved about an hour away. This made it easier to stop seeing each other and slowly but surely, we stopped talking altogether. Our wives are still friends but I avoid seeing him.

            I felt intense pain. I haven't cried. It's more like something inside of me has died. I feel numb about it. I have told NO ONE. It is something I will have to live with. I miss him all the time. I fantasize about living with him and sharing my life with him. It will never happen. I know sometimes I can be abrasive with my wife. I know it's because I secretly resent having to stay with her but it is the choice I made long ago and we have children. I must sacrifice my own desires so they can have a good life and feel they come from a respectable family.

            The breakup was so hard for me because I felt like I was in love with him but I felt wrong. To this day, I do not define myself as a gay man. I broke up with him because I couldn't keep living a lie. The guilt was consuming me. I still feel consumed with guilt but at least I made the decision to stop it before any of our families got hurt.

            I have not been with another man and I don't intend to. I do find myself wondering what it would feel like to be with another man, though. I wonder if I would fall in love with another man. I believe without a doubt I could enjoy sex with men but the feeling of love? I don't know. I will never find out.

            It has been many years since we've seen each other. I can't say I'm completely over him. I think about him all the time and wish there was a way we could be together but there isn't, so that is how it has to be. Even though I loved him, I find the situation itself to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

            To know me is to know I am not a dramatic man. I have felt desperate at times but more because I question my sexual identity. I did not expect this to be an issue I would have to deal with. I have always been matter of fact. I am not a "romantic." I would not take my own life for any reason. This relationship, though, has proved to be the most difficult experience of my life.

            I don't know if he's been with anyone else and I don't want to know. Fortunately, I don't have to hear about anything he may be doing. I think if I did find out he was with another man I would be very upset about it.

            I'm not over him but it's a goal I aspire to and I work on it daily. I have not sought therapy nor will I. I will deal with the consequences of my actions and do my best to conceal it from my family. I have said my piece to him but I do wish I could tell him I love him and feel I always will.

        

Reviews:  Click Here

Read Two Full Stories:  Click Here

Purchase The Paperback $8.95:  Click Here

Purchase The Kindle Copy $2.99:  Click Here

Purchase On Smashwords $2.99:  Click Here

Please visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to check out all of my works.

How Do Men Love? How Do They FEEL When They Lose It?

 

 

 

Women are vocal about their feelings. When something upsets us, we find a girlfriend to talk to. We usually talk to all of our girlfriends because we know they'll listen, provide support, encouragement and if nothing else, a sounding board. Someone to vent to. It makes a huge difference. After we cry and rant and get all of the negative emotion out, we feel better.
 

 

What do men do? Do they cry? Sob? Talk to their friends and express their fears, hopes and vulnerabilities? The answer is, sometimes, yes they do. But not nearly as much as women.
 

 

In November of 2010, I was talking to a girlfriend about men. We discussed how men deal with a broken heart. We had our theories but it was a guessing game. She suggested that my next Reality Book should be about men and heartbreak. That I should interview them. The following December, I set out to do just that. I devised a questionnaire and put out the call for any willing participant.
 

 

By May 2011 my mother and writing partner, Ann Werner, and I had stories from thirty-eight men as well as observations of how men deal with lost love from psychics, therapists and bartenders. As the stories came in, I was always floored. These men were guaranteed anonymity and because of that, they felt safe to really share what goes on behind the veil.
 

 

The stories are all very different. Some men were dumped, some cheated on and  some widowed. Some of these men have been fortunate enough to have moved on and are now in happy relationships. What I found particularly interesting is in explaining how they deal with heartbreak, they also provide a glimpse into how they love. How important love and family is to them. How often does a man really let it all hang out and describe the pain of lost love? No man has ever confided in me that way. They may say they were hurt but that's as far as they'll go. They feel the need to appear strong, even when all they want to do is curl up into a ball and hide under the covers. Society expects men to "suck it up" and that is a lot to keep inside.
 

 

There's a Marine who got a Dear John email while serving in Iraq. When that story came in, I read it to my mother and selected friends. The response from all the women was the same. "WHAT A BITCH!" One married man with two very young girls lost his wife in a car accident. Another was dumped because his fiancé got fake boobs. The stories are so varied; as varied as the men who sent them in.

On a spiritual level, we are all in search of love. We all have the desire to be loved and when we are scared and vulnerable, we need reassurance that it's going to be OK. Part of how we can get through a break-up or losing someone we love is the knowledge that we are not alone. We can learn and get through our own trials a bit easier when we understand how others deal with it.
 

 

Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak was created to help both men and women have a better understanding of what men go through. It's an informal collection of stories with no commentary from us. We don't claim to have "the answer" or offer advice. You can read the stories and take away what you will. Each story will affect every reader differently. We are not experts or doctors. We simply wanted to collect these stories and get them out into the world. There is no other book at all like it. It is our hope that it will help to enlighten women regarding the male psyche as well as provide a path of recovery for those men who have experienced the wrenching pain of heartbreak by letting them know that they are not alone.

 

Reviews:  Click Here

Read Two Full Stories:  Click Here

Purchase The Paperback $8.95:  Click Here

Purchase The Kindle Copy $2.99:  Click Here

Purchase On Smashwords $2.99:  Click Here

Please visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to check out all of my works.

What It Was Like To Work On Days Of Our Lives

In 1977, when I was 9 years-old, I was flipping through the channels one weekday afternoon and happened upon a scene on Days Of Our Lives where two teens were about to engage in first time sex. The house could have caught fire and you would have had to pull me away from the TV. I was hooked and thus began my twenty plus year relationship with the show. Ironic that thirty some years later, I wrote a book about first time sex. 

In high school, I would watch it when I was home sick and on holidays. I turned many of my friends on to the show too. When we got a VCR, I got to record it and was back to watching it every day.

As with most soaps, many of the characters remained the same for decades. As a viewer, you feel as if these characters are part of your family. It doesn't matter that some of the plot lines are completely insane or implausible. It doesn't matter that continuity is often only a theory. Bo, Marlena, John and Maggie were my family. I cared about them and couldn't wait to see what would happen next.

When I was 20, I worked in a department store selling perfume near the NBC studios in Burbank where the show was taped. Many of the Days actors would come in. There were also a number of fragrance models I worked with who were also actors and they worked on Days. My mother worked as an extra on the show a few times before landing her role as Eliana, maid  to the evil Stefano DiMera.

When I was 21, I decided to pursue an acting career. I studied the Meisner Technique with Wayne Dvorak in Los Angeles. It was important to me that I understood what I was doing before I stood in front of a casting director. If I was horrible, I would surely only be remembered as the six foot blonde who didn't know what the hell she was doing. So, for two and a half years, I concentrated on honing my craft. When I graduated, my coach decided to create The Professional Level. Actors had to be voted in and we would continue to study as well as meet with casting directors and agents.

My mother, Ann Werner, also studied at Dvorak & Company. She graduated about a year before I did. We were both in the professional class when we heard Wayne knew Fran Bascom, the casting director for Days. We both hounded him to get her into the studio. We finally wore him down and Fran came to the studio with her assistant Ron Sperber. They hired pretty much everyone. I knew the entire back-story to my audition scene and felt like I had a leg up. I could tell they were impressed and they booked me. I was so excited. Not only had I booked my first national television show, it was DAYS! And to make it even better, two of my other classmates, Maria Kress and Kevin Molloy appeared in the scene with me. I played Marsha, a bitchy model. Maria was also a model and we were doing a photo shoot with Sami, Will, Carrie and Austin. I had several lines but the one I remember (and my favorite line of all time) was in reference to Will, Sami's son. I said "Life is hard enough without being born illegitimate."

It was December, 1995 when I first walked on to the set, I felt immediately comfortable. Even though everyone was a stranger to me, I felt like I knew these people. Everyone was friendly and I got to see the sets. I was so surprised at how much smaller everything looks in person Including the stars. Keep in mind, I am six feet tall, so I am usually the tallest person in any given situation but in the acting world, female height is rare, especially in soaps.

When my episode aired, I was happy with my performance. A few months later, they called me back. This time, I didn't have the safety net of my classmates and got very nervous. It showed on camera and to make matters worse, I looked directly at the camera while they were taping. They aired it. They are on such a strict schedule that things like that slip in. I am sure if I were one of the stars, it would have been re-taped. I was humiliated.

Time passed and lo and behold, they called me back to play a reporter. Once again, I worked with Sami and Carrie. My acting buddy Maria and I did the scene together.  I had another great line. I pointed to Sami and yelled to the newspaper photographer "Get a shot of her crying!"

About a year and a half after the first time I worked on the show, they called me in again to play a police officer and that was my character until my last day in late 2002. I worked more frequently and had the opportunity to really feel like I was a real part of the show, even if the role I played was a small one. I was part of the Salem PD. There were jokes made about the lack of intelligence of the Salem Police Department, primarily by the actors playing the cops. We called ourselves The Keystone Cops and laughed a lot. On one episode, we were searching for the all important murder weapon. One of the officer's lines to the head of police after being instructed to keep the search going into the wee hours of the night was something like "But it's dark." Oh, how I loved being a part of that show!

One of the other more memorable experiences I had was a day that we were shooting a Gala. I was an under-cover cop and got to wear a gown. The day was long and grueling, We were all on set early and taping until midnight. Deidre Hall aka Marlena (The Diva of Days) was in the scene and after rehearsal, we took a quick break. She pulled me to the side and gave me pointers on how to stand to get the most flattering light. She made an effort to help me even though she and I really didn't know each other. I was so touched. Everyone's moods were wearing quite thin and people started to get punchy. She, like the rest of us, wanted to go home and this was not the time to get sloppy, She scolded the naughty ones, I was grateful that someone took control. We all were very tired. I will never forget the kindness she showed me.

For the most part, I had a wonderful time on the show. Of course there were some people who were not so friendly and I will not name names. As with any line of work, some people are nice, some aren't. There was only one person on the show who was quite nasty and said things about me behind my back. I was alerted by someone in the make-up crew. I was not surprised by this because I'd overheard this person talking poorly about another actor on the show. But that is what happens with human beings. It didn't have a negative effect on my experience. Now, I can say that a soap star talked sh*t about me!

The last little story I will include is about my police uniform and my hair & make-up. The uniforms were designed for men and never quite fit me properly, especially in the hips. Men tend to have slimmer hips than women and with the holster I  wore, the pain would often be intense. Add to that the pants were always too short and on the day I complained and asked for longer ones, I was told they wouldn't shoot my whole body. Well, guess what? That was one of the episodes that my high-water pants were glaring. On top of all of that my hair and make-up were insane! They would often put my hair in a french twist and it felt as if I wore a pound of make-up. I certainly didn't look like your average female police officer. Though I did almost fool Ken Shocknek, an NBC news anchor. We were both having lunch at the NBC commissary and he was sitting by me. He kept staring and eventually asked me if I was a real cop to which I responded, "I'm not a cop but I play one on TV."

Interview With Anthony Tarquinto: The Real 42 Year-Old Virgin

Anthony's Blog: http://www.orangecountyvirgin.com/


A while back I was contacted by Anthony Tarquinto. He is a 42 year-old virgin who wrote a book titled The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin  and found my book The Virgin Diaries online. He expressed an interested in somehow working together.

I was not sure what to think initially. I read a little bit of his book online and saw that he not only wrote of being a virgin but he included a very conservative political ideology. My book The Virgin Diaries has no agenda, political or otherwise other than to provide virgins with the tools to make an informed decision.

The Virgin Diaries doesn't encourage or discourage anyone where first time sex is concerned. I just remember being a virgin and I had questions - even when I wasn't ready or willing to engage in sexual activity.

Below is a thoughtful and very interesting post from Anthony. I am very grateful he reached out to me and my mother and assured us that he would only focus on the subject of virginity. Thank you Anthony! We both appreciate your eloquence and candor.

~~~~

*My name is Anthony J. Tarquinto. My friends call me Tony.

I am an independent financial consultant and investment advisor based in Aliso Viejo, CA. My best friend is Robin Basner. She lives in a town called Diamond Bar.

I’m also a volunteer counselor at All Experts www.allexperts.com in the category of Abstinence/Celibacy. I’ve gotten questions from people all over the world about dealing with this.

My birthday was a few weeks ago. I’m now 42.

I am a Roman Catholic.

**There are two main reasons that I am 42 and still a virgin. First is because of the choices that I have made at various stages in my life:

- When I was in high school I was pretty much a geek. I was skinny with bad acne and a bad haircut. Just a big zero.

- When I was in college, I was a total recluse – shy, always studying and always alone in the library – kind of a bookworm. I just didn’t try hard enough.

- In the 1990’s, I was very insecure in my career and always worried. I didn’t have much going for me in those days and my self-esteem was very low.

- In the 2000’s my career finally took off and I started making money. I worked in outside sales and I was always on the road. I traveled, saw new things, experienced all kinds of cool stuff, and sort of “gave up” trying to find a woman. It was almost like I boycotted women. Call it a “girlcott”. This period of my life (the good times) is when I should have found a relationship and finally had sex. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off and delaying, and saying to myself, “maybe next year.”

This was the biggest mistake of my life. I had so many chances to be with so many quality women and I JUST PLAIN BLEW IT. It haunts me to this day. There were women with whom I was genuinely compatible and had a realistic chance of developing something long-term. Shame on me for not going for it when I had the chance.

The second reason I am still a virgin is because of the overarching edict of the Catholic Church, which forbids having sex outside of wedlock. From a young age I was told in Sunday School and CCD that Catholics must wait until marriage to have sex. I have preached this my entire life, but now I’m having doubts. Here’s why: At the end of the day, I am on the losing side of the intellectual argument for celibacy because as a Catholic, my first and foremost guidance comes from the Bible, specifically the Book of Genesis. In Genesis, Adam and Eve have sex.

Adam and Eve were not married. This throws the entire dogma out the window. 

***If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t have been such a narcissist during the good years. I wouldn’t have been so arrogant. I was totally wrapped up in my work and I didn’t think about the future. 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 were phenomenal years for me and I got blinded by my success. Then when the 2008 financial crisis hit, I lost everything – my job, my career, my house, my company car - everything but my virginity.

 I’ve picked up the pieces since, but I now have the “virgin” thing to deal with, which started when my book came out in last year – The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin. It’s about business, politics and religion, which are hot topics these days. My positions are controversial and extremely conservative.

Also, if I could do something over, I wouldn’t have been so harsh and acerbic in the book. I was angry when I wrote it and it’s pretty obvious.

Now I’m toxic. It’s all out there now. Any girl that reads my book finds out that I am a far-right, fire and brimstone conservative (pro-life, Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, etc.) and I can’t hide it. Most women that I meet nowadays are repulsed by Sarah Palin, yet I identify with her. I’m a loose cannon. No girl wants a guy that thinks and talks like I do, and that’s just reality. I said what I said and wrote what I wrote, and now I have to deal with it. The book has been out two years now and I’m just finding this out.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want “sympathy” sex. But If I ever do find a girl now, despite everything that’s happened to me, at least I know it will be real. At least I know that she’ll know everything about me and I won’t have to worry about hiding anything. I won’t have to spring it on her that I’m a virgin.

                                

****There are between 110,000,000 and 115,000,000 adult males in the United States according to the 2010 U.S. Census. I know of only two virgins – me, and another guy Jason who asked me for advice at All Experts.com.

That’s it.

But it can’t be. There’s no way out of 100,000,000 or so guys that there are only 2 virgins. There have to be more. That’s where Kimberley and Ann come in.

I was surfing the web one night when I came across The Virgin Diaries and I couldn’t believe it. Finally! Somebody actually cares about virgins! A book dedicated to….me!

I don’t feel alone anymore. The Virgin Diaries is a must read for the mature teen (or any virgin for that matter) who wants a broad insight into what it’s like to have sex for the first time. I learned a lot.

            Now I know what others were thinking right before they had sex for the first time, and what it was like after. The profiles in The Virgin Diaries are anonymous, so it’s no holds-barred. It is very honest and up front.

The Virgin Diaries totally changed my thinking on losing virginity because of how the respondents in such detail recall how they lost their virginity, the name of the person they first did it with, and the time, place, and other meaningful circumstances in their lives. There must be something very special about sex if people can recall it this vividly. The respondents seemed as if they really enjoyed conveying their stories - like it brought back fond memories of a more innocent time in their lives. The book is a compendium of the most intimate aspect of peoples’ lives. I used to think that losing my virginity was not going to be a big deal or all that important. Well, it is important. This is my life here, and Kim and Ann prove that.

*****I wish this book was available when I was younger. It would have been an enormous help. If I had read the The Virgin Diaries, it would have taken me in a different direction because I wouldn’t have taken my future for granted. I always thought I would eventually find a girl and fall in love and have sex and maybe even get married. Life is too short to be a virgin and I wish I would have thought about these things ten years ago.

******Ultimately, the benefit of The Virgin Diaries is that it lets a person who has never had sex know that it is OK to wait. There are so many profiles from people from all walks of life that the reader will connect with at least one of them.

“I would tell virgins to make sure that the person you are going to do it with the first time is as happy and satisfied as you are. If you’re going to do it, make sure you know that the person you’re going to do it with is someone you can trust and continue to have a relationship with when you’re done.”

This is from a 45 year-old male who did it for the first time when he was 24. I can relate to this. Twenty-four years old is a late-bloomer, and I’m a REAL late bloomer. This is just one of the many essays that had an impact. Maybe there is hope for me!

“As for advice from religious figures, I was in Catholic schools for twelve years. Sex is something that was never brought up.”

            From another 45 year-old male who was raised Catholic. I can definitely relate to this.

*******I believe that 18 should be the minimum age before engaging in sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. Women in their early teens haven’t fully developed their bodies yet, and sex could do damage (both physically and psychologically). I’m no doctor, but this is what I have heard from various healthcare professionals and psychologists over the years. Boys are more prone to be damaged on the psychological side by having sex too soon. Many counselors say that male expectations of sex are different than a female, and early sexual activity can distort things and perhaps even warp the male mind.

*******I feel like being a virgin is a liability for me at this point because when you get to a certain age, it’s as if women are thinking, “OK. Something must be wrong with this guy. He’s 42 and hasn’t had sex yet?”

- Like red flags go up when they find out about all of this.

            This is a sign that there is some serious fundamental problem with me. There must be something seriously wrong with a guy who’s 42 and never been laid.

            If I were an average guy with a wife and kids and a normal job, and I heard there was a 42 year old virgin, I’d think the guy was a real loser – like a mental case or something.

*********There are pros and cons to being celibate and honestly, I would not encourage any guy to abstain from sex just for the sake of being a virgin. The right girl may never come along and life is too short. The bottom line is this: Being a male virgin in my forties benefitted me because of the movie.

The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (Universal Pictures 116 min.) was a precursor to my real-life story, and it was sheer coincidence that I turned 40 shortly after it came out. Everything that I have now I owe to Steve Carell, and I’ve never even met the guy. The whole thing sort of happened by accident.

            But being a virgin stinks. I wouldn’t recommend it for any guy in his thirties, forties, or any age, because you’re different and being different is difficult. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I just want to find a girl, do it and get it over with. My fifteen minutes is up now. I just want to get on with my life.

*********While I have not been told outright by a woman that she doesn’t want to be with me because I’m a virgin, I get the feeling that that’s the reason. Seems obvious, don’t you think? Maybe they’re freaked-out by the whole thing.

  

Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing: Why I'll Stay Indie!

As mentioned in the first of this series, I have had some interest from a mid-sized publisher for my blog Here She Comes.

Read first article here: Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing

At first, I was very excited that my work was considered worthy and still am. The publisher that expressed interest specializes in books with photographs and illustrations. They are located on the East Coast and focus on regional distribution. I would prefer not to have any illustrations for this project and I also don't wanted to be limited with where my books are available.

From what I have found, many small to mid-size publishers require the author to purchase a fairly large quantity of their own books, and though there are many authors out there who love being with their publishers, I have decided to stay independent.

I make Reality Books. This means I rely on other people's submissions to keep me going. I have three blogs up now with the intention of turning them all into books. The stories come in waves. Sometimes I get a lot; other times, I get busy and focus on other aspects of being an author. The stories will come in their own time and I don't want to feel pressure to have it done on someone else's watch. I want the quality of the entries to be worthy of the final product. This may take more time than a traditional publisher would permit.

I happened upon an article today that Penguin Books has now joined the self publishing game. Read the article: Here. They claim to respect the new wave of independent publishing and while that may be true, the truth is the Big Six are realizing their industry is being dramatically and quickly changed by the onset of authors getting fed up with all the rules being forced upon them. They know they now must be a part of this wave in order to stay competitive and in business.

When reading the interviews with the authors who have traveled both forms of publishing, it is clear that staying independent is the right choice for me. At least it is for now. I will admit, if one of the Big Six were to offer me a deal, that would be a whole other ball game and of course I would be a fool to decline.

It would give me the "credibility" that takes much longer to achieve when you go it alone. But I can guarantee that once I was able to make my living solely as an author, I would go back to self publishing. That's where the money really is if you have a decent following.

I would like to thank everyone for participating in the interview process and celebrate all the authors out there who help to entertain, inform and inspire!

Read all of the interviews:

Author Interview Sally Franz: Click Here,  Author Interview: Dorinne Davis  Click here,  Author Interview Geoffrey Hopf  Click Here ,  Author Interview: Betsy Balega Click Here,  Author Interview: Debra Ann Pawlak  Click Here

Visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to learn more about my works.

Excerpts From Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

What sorrow lurks in the minds of men suffering from a broken heart? Ain't No Sunshine knows!

How do men feel when they lose someone they love? Do they cry? Do they obsess? Do they call psychics? Under the protection of anonymity, thirty-eight men describe in detail how they've dealt with the pain of heartbreak. Whether it's because of divorce, betrayal, death or simply getting dumped, the raw honesty of these men may surprise you.

Modern American society so often discourages men from admitting to emotional pain, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. From an early age men are taught to "suck it up." Women often think men have it easier when it comes to the pain of heartbreak. But is that really the case? Ain't No Sunshine provides an opportunity to unlock those mysteries in this informal collection of stories.

Interviews with therapists, psychics and bartenders are included and provide informative insights into how men react to a broken heart.

Love is never easy. Loss of love is always difficult. Here is proof that not only do men struggle, sometimes the struggle is more difficult than it is for women.

Ain't No Sunshine is a rare glimpse into the elusive male psyche.

48 years old.

"...The problem was money. My wife and I could not afford to move out. Our money was tied up in the business and our home that had lost value and we had to figure out what to do. We decided to continue living together and tried to stay out of each other's way...

...I met Diane through a mutual friend at a dinner party. I was honest about my living situation but I made it clear I was interested in her and I wished to see her. She agreed to be my friend...After about six or seven months, we gave in and had sex. It was great...but then she pulled away...

 ...It took about seven or eight months before I was divorced, moved out and ready to go. I did what she asked. There were plenty of times when I wanted to call her and tell her I was moving out in three weeks---but she said she wanted me to be free. So I waited...

...When I contacted Diane, she seemed surprised and told me she was seeing another man..."

27 years old.

"...The breakup was so hard because it came out of the blue. I thought we were TOGETHER. I got COMFORTABLE! She ruined my world. I hate that the way I feel has anything to do with her. I want so much to get back with her. It's ALL I think about.

I sobbed, I drank, I sat alone all day on the weekend. I actually did call a psychic. She told me this woman was moving on and that she started seeing another guy. I was told that I should start dating again and that I will meet someone within a year. This pissed me off and it's the last time I will ever call a psychic...

...I am not over her. I found out she is seeing someone. I asked her about it and she confirmed it. SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE AUDACITY to ask my advice...

...I think the most embarrassing thing is how pathetic I am. I want her and she doesn't care about me. I'm not suicidal but I do feel desperate. WORST feeling ever!..."

76 years old

"...I met my Grace when I was in first grade...When we were fifteen, our school had a dance and I asked Grace. Fortunately for me, she agreed. This was a real coup as Grace was the first in our class to develop breasts and all of the boys wanted to go out with her. She was a great beauty...

...Five years ago, she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor...Two months later I had to bury her and that was the most painful day of my life---harder than the day she passed...

...The next six months were the loneliest and coldest I have ever lived. Every night I would cry myself to sleep. Every morning I would wake up and feel I had nothing to live for. I begged God to take me...I just sat in my chair and mourned my great love...

....I met a wonderful woman who has helped ease the pain...I have come to love her and I believe she loves me too. But I think both of us miss our respective mates..."

Reviews:  Click Here

Read Two Full Stories:  Click Here

Purchase The Paperback $8.95:  Click Here

Purchase The Kindle Copy $2.99:  Click Here

 Purchase On Smashwords $2.99:  Click Here

Please visit http://www.arkstories.com/ to check out all of my works.

Excerpts from The Virgin Diaries

There are other books that have collections of virginity stories. The Virgin Diaries is not the first nor will it be the last. People are interested in sex. Especially virgins and that is why I made this book. I remember being a young girl, a bit of a prude and had zero interest in having sex but because our culture is so obsessed with it, I had a healthy interest. "What is all the fuss about?"

Before compiling the stories, I was unable to find any other collection that had such a diverse mix. The people who shared their tale range in ages 20-77. They are gay, straight, male and female. The majority state they got NO advice from parents or anyone.

It was important to me that when collecting these stories, they were not too sexually graphic. I didn't want to make a soft porn book, I wanted a source for curious virgins so that when sex starts to become a real issue and possibility, they could make an informed decision on what to expect emotionally as well as physically.

Last, I didn't want any commentary. No history, no comparison - not to other stories in the book or my own experiences. I trust the reader can make up their own on what to think and how to feel.

Here are some excerpts from the book. The Virgin Diaries is only $2.99 on Kindle and the paperback edition is $12.95


Female. 77. I was 15 years old.

"...Looking back, it was very sweet and a very important time of my life because I had somebody to hold, to be with. I was relatively insecure in myself. It just made me feel close to somebody and that I needed to be a part of somebody's life. That's what it did. We had boyfriends then, we didn't have parties where people switched partners and it was just different. You went steady and eventually you had sex. You loved each other, whether it was real love or not. It was something you did to be close...."

Female 46. I was 21 then---nearly 22.

"....The best part was being that close to another person. The worst part was the pain...

The only thing that I'd change now is that I'd have told him I was a virgin. I think I sold him a little short on that one. And it would've been nice if we'd have both shared the experience of my first time as such together. Perhaps it was my withholding the truth that ultimately led to his withdrawing his affection and backing away. Now I'll never know if that little while lie cost me dearly..."

Male 43. I lost my virginity when I was 18 to a girl I didn't even like.

"...I remember getting drunk and taking this girl into my friend's bedroom, as I had many times before. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and luckily, because I was drunk and did not care about her, I wasn't embarrassed...

I found out later that night that she was a virgin too and really liked me a lot. I didn't care one way or the other, not because that's my personality, I just had a world of other more important things on my mind, like what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life...."

Female 20. I was just 17.

"...Looking back, my worries were not really what stopped me. I just was not ready. I worried about it changing our relationship, pregnancy and the pain of the first actual time and Jim. However when we did have sex for the first time, I did not even think twice about any of these things....

Physically, my first sexual experience was painful. I don't remember him having trouble getting it in but I felt as though my body was being ripped in half. In an overwhelming mixture of physical pain and unfathomable emotional connection, I cried. With every tear that fell out of my eyes, Jim kept kissing me and telling me he loved me...."

Male 26. At the time I was a sophomore in college.

"...I was a Nervous Nelly. I had no idea what to do and I didn't want to look like an idiot...

I was happy, scared, sad, all of it. It happened so fast, so all of the emotions were pouring out of me at the same time. I was respectful and gentle and sweet..."

Read The Reviews: Click

Read Two Full Stories. Click

Watch The Video: Click

Purchase Kindle Edition: Click

Purchase Paperback Edition: Click

Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing - Author Interview: Geoffrey Hopf

The questions posed to each author are at the bottom of the first part of this series. To see the article and questions, please click here:  Independent Vs. Traditional Publishing.

Geoffrey Hopf

Book: Doggieville

Website: http://www.doggievillethebook.com/

I first started out looking at publishers for my book. Most I found online were not even accepting unsolicited manuscripts. I found that to be very disheartening. I then started to look for a literary agent, thinking that would be my in with a publisher. That again proved to be slow and unproductive. I then came upon an article about how many authors I was aware of started out by self-publishing. I was amazed by the list. I then started to look more into the self-publishing route and found some interesting things. My personality is one that I am a get it done kind of person. I do have a problem with waiting and waiting, and if I really wanted my book out I felt I needed to get it out there. I know many other writers and authors and they know the importance of momentum. I was losing my momentum waiting to go the "traditional" route. After careful thought, I finally made the decision to self-publish. I took my time to research and finally found what I felt was the perfect service to assist me in self-publishing. From concept to having the finished product in my hand took four months. I know without a doubt going the other route would have taken a year plus.

I am happily using Createspace and have really enjoyed the self-publishing route. It is impossible for me to know how things would be otherwise, as I don't have anything else to compare it to. What I love is my publishing happens as fast as I can get my books completed, proofed and uploaded. After having my first book out for only two weeks, I decided to have a Spanish version. Within one month that book went live and for sale. If I had a traditional publisher, that would not have happened.

I use social media a lot. My book has its own page on Facebook and it connects with others on Facebook. I like using it as a means to notify and update my fans.

As of right now, I am enjoying my success so far going it alone. My sales have been good and I have booked interviews, readings, radio interviews and reviews all by myself. I do use a small PR firm but I know the cost of them is less than had I had a publisher. So to answer honestly, I am not looking for a publisher at all.

I have had only one rejection and that was by a library. Otherwise I haven't seen any rejections from media. 

The self-publishing route is a lonely road. You must be prepared to do it all. If you are the personality type that needs or feels you need support or someone to help, then self-publishing may not work. Self-publishing works well for those that are super energized, motivated and entrepreneurial. In the end, when you are successful as a self-published author the publishing houses then will take note and come to you. I have to applaud all authors out there who are risking everything and putting themselves out there. Just completing your book is a huge success, getting it published is another; everything after that is icing on the cake.

Author Interview: Dorinne Davis  Click here

Author Interview Sally Franz: Click Here

Author Interview Debra Ann Pawlak: Click Here 

Author Interview: Betsy Balega Click Here

 

To see more information about my books, please visit: arkstories.com