Social Media And The New Sexual Revolution

The 60’s brought us the sexual revolution. Women suddenly had the option of birth control and were able to earn their own money. They burned their bras and a whole new culture began.

It’s been a confusing journey for the sexes. We are living much longer lives and when you say “I do” in your youth, you don’t fully understand the meaning of “until death do us part” until you’ve been married long enough to get bored.  High divorce rates and infidelity have played a large role as a result of the revolution. It wasn’t necessarily better before the 60’s, women just had less options. If they were unhappy in their marriage, they tended to stay to avoid a less than favorable “reputation” as well as not having the ability to earn enough to support themselves. The burden was mostly felt by women but men also chose to stay in an unhappy or dysfunctional marriage simply because appearances were too important, or he didn’t earn enough to support two households.

In the last decade, we’ve seen the explosion of social media and have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends—and lovers. We meet new people from all over the globe as we peruse our Facebook and Twitter feeds. Conversations start up and relationships begin which can lead to romanticizing who this other person is—or who we want them to be. Men and women both participate.

One of the dangers that social media flirting offers, is that when we are in a committed relationship that is going through a lull or boring phase, the temptation to find excitement with a stranger is very easy and very tempting. If it goes too far, the otherwise healthy relationship that just needed a little time to get back on track, can be forever ruined. Remember Anthony Weiner?

You’ve more than likely seen the many articles on how Facebook has broken up marriages and causes fighting and arguments. It’s difficult to decipher what is innocent and what is intentional flirting. Something that can start as an innocent “like” on a picture can easily and quickly result in that inevitable question “ Are you on Skype?”

Cell phones are now equipped with video chat and it’s quite simple to make that leap when no one is looking. But frankly, everyone is looking. So much is out there for anyone to see and with all the great things that come with the technological advances we’re making, our relationships are under construction— a new revolution.

It’s my theory that the next generation, who will grow up in this tech world, will view relationships differently. It’s fairly easy to catch someone flirting online and it’s also easy to jump to conclusions. It’s impossible to accurately understand what the truth is behind a comment or a “like.”  What we have been experiencing for the past fifty or so years is now changing at a rapid place and we are forced to keep up.

I don’t know what it will mean exactly for our romantic relationships but I like to believe it will force both genders to really take a look at what they want in a mate. People will always pair off and have children. There’s bound to be divorce in any scenario—people change, they grow apart or they choose to marry for the wrong reasons and eventually part ways.

Social media is redefining the way we are conducting our love lives. It is increasingly difficult to trust someone who appears to be an Internet flirt. I question if it will make our relationships more difficult or if we will benefit from the changes taking place.

I’d love to know your thoughts.

In The Minds Of Men: How Do They Cope With Lost Love?

Dear Diary,

I called him around 2:00 today. He didn't
answer. I didn't leave a message. He always used
to call me right back. It's 9:30 and nothing. I
looked at his Facebook and he hasn't been on.
He's probably on a date, having sex with some
exciting NEW woman. Some stupid woman who
doesn't yet realize that he's an ASS!!!!
This sucks! I HATE that I miss him. I wish I didn't
think about him all the time. I wish I was
stronger. I wish I was more like a man. They can
just go out with someone else and it's no big
deal.
Why isn't he calling me back???? I REALLY have
to MOVE ON and NOT THINK ABOUT HIM
ANYMORE!!! But I can't help it. Does he think
about me? Does he even miss me? Tomorrow is
the anniversary of our first date. I'll bet he
doesn't even realize or care. Why do I even
care???
I just wish that I knew if he was thinking about
me. That I still mean something to him. Why
isn't he calling me back? It's so much easier for
men! It's NOT FAIR!!!

What every woman wants to know!

How do men REALLY feel when they lose the one they love? Modern society tells them they must suck it up but inside the emotions are strong. Thirty-eight men found a forum and they told it like it is, while observations from psychics, therapists and bartenders shine a light on the inner workings of the psyche of the man who has lost love through betrayal, divorce, death or bad timing.

The Marine who got a Dear John letter while serving in Iraq.

The guy who lost his woman because of FAKE BOOBS!

Left at the altar!

She dumped him and then asked for advice about her new boyfriend.

How the economic downturn was responsible for one man’s broken heart.

The straight married man who took a gay lover.


AND MORE!!!!!

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Two Stories: Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

35  Straight

            I am a Marine.

            I was with my girlfriend Melissa for about two years when I was called to go to Iraq. Before I left, I bought Melissa an engagement ring. I proposed and she said yes. I knew I wanted to marry her months before I got the ring. I thought if I made it official, I would have a deeper motivation to stay alive.

            Melissa was my best friend. I met her when I was working as a bartender. She would come into the bar where I worked with her friends and we had an instant connection. She was so pretty. Long blonde hair, big brown eyes and the most beautiful lips I had ever seen. I tried to act cool around her but inside I was a mess. I wanted her so much but I was shy.

            One night she came into the bar alone. It was a slow night and we had a chance to really talk. I finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. For me, the first date was the start of us being together forever. I was twenty-five and she was twenty-three. She made me work for her affections and I was happy to.

            Before I left, she told me she was scared. I told her that we would email and write and that I needed her strength and prayers. I wanted to come back and marry her, start our life and our family. We planned to have a big familyat least five kids.

            It was July. I had been there for seven months. It was a hard month. Very hot and two of my good buddies died. I had also learned that my grandmother passed away and that made me sad. I was very close to her and it killed me not to be at her funeral. It wasn't long after that I got the email from Melissa. She told me she needed to break our engagement. She wrote she couldn't be engaged to me anymore because the time and distance were too much for her. Reading the email was surreal. I didn't know what to think. All these macho Marines surrounded me and I had to play it cool but I wanted to curl up and die. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't.

            That night when I went to bed, I cried very quietly. My best friend over there heard me and asked me what was going on. He was the only person I talked to about it. He did help me. He let me cry. There is something about being in a war. Men seem to bond in a way they don't when you're just friends at home having BBQ's and drinking beers. There was one time when I completely broke down and sobbed. He held me. I am sure a lot of the guys would have seen that as gay but

I was such a wreck. He was there for me and I will never forget it. I definitely felt suicidal in the beginning. I hoped that I would get shot or something. My buddy was there the whole time and I credit him for keeping me alive. I wanted to be careless.

            I didn't even tell my family about it for a month. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I didn't want to answer questions. I emailed Melissa many times. I tried calling her and writing her letters but she never replied.

            When I returned to the States, I found out Melissa was with another guy. Many of my friends knew this but never told me. Looking back I am glad. It was hard to go through that. Being over there, not knowing if I would be around tomorrow, seeing people die all for a war I didn't believe in. I take pride in being a Marine. I would gladly fight and die for my country but we weren't fighting for our country. I won't get into it here but what I saw was very corrupt.

            I haven't admitted this to anyone but for about a week after I was dumped, I took my anger and frustration out on "the enemy. I was vicious. I was mean. It stopped when I realized that I was starting to become something I thought was evil. I am not an evil person. But I was so hurt and angry; I guess I thought if I could release it to the enemy, I could find some peace. It only made me feel worse. The whole rest of the time I was there, I hoped that I would hear from her telling me she changed her mind and wanted me again.

I saw Melissa a short while after my return home. We ran into each other in the store. We went to the parking lot. She seemed cold and scared. I was still very hurt and I asked her all these questions. Mostly Why? Why did she do this to me? Didn't she love me any more? All she could say was that she was sorry and ran to her car. It kind of brought it all up again for me and I felt like I had been dumped again. I did seek therapy both because of Melissa and my time at war. It did help. I was given Prozac and after a while, I was able to calm down and not feel so alone.

            I have looked her up on Facebook but she has a private profile so I can't really see anything. I never drove by her house or called and hung up. I didn't even call to talk to her when I got back. When I found out she was with someone else, I had too much pride. I did cry a lot at first but after a few months, I was able to get past it.

            During that time I wasn't dating anyone and didn't have sex either. I could have but I chose not to. I felt it would be too tough, that I would only compare her to Melissa.          

            I started dating and eventually started seeing a woman regularly. We aren't together anymore but the breakup was not devastating. We just didn't click. Right now I am dating a little and would like to find a woman to marry. I just put an ad on a dating site so we'll see. I hope that what happened with Melissa helps me and doesn't hurt me. I don't want to allow that pain to color my next relationship.

            There was a long time when I wanted to say hurtful things to Melissa. I wanted to hurt her because I was in so much pain. I never did and I am grateful. I know that wouldn't have helped her or me. Now I would just wish her well. I hope she understands what she did was cowardly and selfish and that breaking up with someone while they are at war is one of the most devastating things to do. I guess there is never a good time but that was a real low blow.

            I believe if you find the right mate, someone who fits with you, it's maybe what people call soul mates but I am not sure if I think that is all really true. I thought Melissa was mine but I guess I was wrong. I do know I can love someone, though, and I really want to.

                                                                * * * * * * * * * * * *

45 Confused

            I am married with three children. My wife and I married young, in our early twenties. Looking back, I married her because I felt that was what I should do. We dated and had a lot in common. We both came from upper middle class families; both attended college (where we met) and graduated at the top of our class. We both had the same idea of the kind of lifestyle we wanted to create. At the time I felt happy. She is a good woman and a great mother.

            She became friends with a woman many years ago who was also married. My wife invited the couple to dinner one weekend and I met the husband.

            From the start he and I got along. He is a dynamic man. Very funny and, after a short period of time, he invited me to play golf. At first, nothing felt out of the ordinary to me. The more we hung out, the more I enjoyed his company. I started to prefer spending time with him. One night I dreamed that he and I were sexual and it was highly erotic. I woke from the dream very disturbed yet completely turned on. I was so bothered by this. How could this be? I am not gay. I have never fantasized about a man and never felt an attraction to one before. I told no one of my dream and tried to push it down. But the thought of the sex with him was almost too much for me. The desire only grew after that point. On the occasions when we played golf after the dream, I sensed a certain energy coming from him and I wondered if he felt the same

          On a day our wives took the kids out, I invited him over to help me do some work around the house. I will spare you the details of how it got started but within two hours we engaged in the most fulfilling and satisfying sex I had ever experienced. It was mind blowing. Immediately afterward, we felt awkward and he left. I swore to myself it would never happen again but before I knew it we started seeing each other regularly. We went to hotels, planned golf trips and I found myself developing feelings for him. I started to feel jealous if he spent time with other men and wondered if he did this with them. When I asked him about it, he told me that I was the only man he was with and wanted to be with.

            This relationship went on for five and a half years. No one ever found out about us. I fell in love with him but I felt disgusted. I felt I was living a lie and didn't know what to do about it. He professed his love for me and we decided that we would just have to keep up the facade of our married lives because neither one of us knew how to explain this to any of our friends and family.

            In the midst of our relationship, Brokeback Mountain came out. My wife, who is religious (I am not), had some pretty hateful things to say about the film and I remember feeling immense guilt. I watched the film alone when it went to video and it made me feel awful. I thought about the consequences of exposing my relationship and what it would do to everyone I loved. I was filled with anxiety about my double life so I decided to end the relationship with him.

            We met and I told him we had to stop. It was awful. He begged me to continue the way we had been, that no one even suspected and he didn't know how to be happy without me. I couldn't do it anymore. It was breaking me. I felt love for him but I also felt what we were doing was wrong on so many levels. He tried for some time to get back to the way things were between us but I would not allow it. He tried to promise me that no one would ever have to know but these things have a way of getting out.

            For the next couple of years things were very uncomfortable. We still all saw each other as couples. He would call me and try to get back together but I told him he needed to move on and to stop asking me. He wrote emails, he cried and it was all I could do to keep my sanity. Eventually he and his family moved about an hour away. This made it easier to stop seeing each other and slowly but surely, we stopped talking altogether. Our wives are still friends but I avoid seeing him.

            I felt intense pain. I haven't cried. It's more like something inside of me has died. I feel numb about it. I have told NO ONE. It is something I will have to live with. I miss him all the time. I fantasize about living with him and sharing my life with him. It will never happen. I know sometimes I can be abrasive with my wife. I know it's because I secretly resent having to stay with her but it is the choice I made long ago and we have children. I must sacrifice my own desires so they can have a good life and feel they come from a respectable family.

            The breakup was so hard for me because I felt like I was in love with him but I felt wrong. To this day, I do not define myself as a gay man. I broke up with him because I couldn't keep living a lie. The guilt was consuming me. I still feel consumed with guilt but at least I made the decision to stop it before any of our families got hurt.

            I have not been with another man and I don't intend to. I do find myself wondering what it would feel like to be with another man, though. I wonder if I would fall in love with another man. I believe without a doubt I could enjoy sex with men but the feeling of love? I don't know. I will never find out.

            It has been many years since we've seen each other. I can't say I'm completely over him. I think about him all the time and wish there was a way we could be together but there isn't, so that is how it has to be. Even though I loved him, I find the situation itself to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

            To know me is to know I am not a dramatic man. I have felt desperate at times but more because I question my sexual identity. I did not expect this to be an issue I would have to deal with. I have always been matter of fact. I am not a "romantic." I would not take my own life for any reason. This relationship, though, has proved to be the most difficult experience of my life.

            I don't know if he's been with anyone else and I don't want to know. Fortunately, I don't have to hear about anything he may be doing. I think if I did find out he was with another man I would be very upset about it.

            I'm not over him but it's a goal I aspire to and I work on it daily. I have not sought therapy nor will I. I will deal with the consequences of my actions and do my best to conceal it from my family. I have said my piece to him but I do wish I could tell him I love him and feel I always will.

        

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How Do Men Love? How Do They FEEL When They Lose It?

 

 

 

Women are vocal about their feelings. When something upsets us, we find a girlfriend to talk to. We usually talk to all of our girlfriends because we know they'll listen, provide support, encouragement and if nothing else, a sounding board. Someone to vent to. It makes a huge difference. After we cry and rant and get all of the negative emotion out, we feel better.
 

 

What do men do? Do they cry? Sob? Talk to their friends and express their fears, hopes and vulnerabilities? The answer is, sometimes, yes they do. But not nearly as much as women.
 

 

In November of 2010, I was talking to a girlfriend about men. We discussed how men deal with a broken heart. We had our theories but it was a guessing game. She suggested that my next Reality Book should be about men and heartbreak. That I should interview them. The following December, I set out to do just that. I devised a questionnaire and put out the call for any willing participant.
 

 

By May 2011 my mother and writing partner, Ann Werner, and I had stories from thirty-eight men as well as observations of how men deal with lost love from psychics, therapists and bartenders. As the stories came in, I was always floored. These men were guaranteed anonymity and because of that, they felt safe to really share what goes on behind the veil.
 

 

The stories are all very different. Some men were dumped, some cheated on and  some widowed. Some of these men have been fortunate enough to have moved on and are now in happy relationships. What I found particularly interesting is in explaining how they deal with heartbreak, they also provide a glimpse into how they love. How important love and family is to them. How often does a man really let it all hang out and describe the pain of lost love? No man has ever confided in me that way. They may say they were hurt but that's as far as they'll go. They feel the need to appear strong, even when all they want to do is curl up into a ball and hide under the covers. Society expects men to "suck it up" and that is a lot to keep inside.
 

 

There's a Marine who got a Dear John email while serving in Iraq. When that story came in, I read it to my mother and selected friends. The response from all the women was the same. "WHAT A BITCH!" One married man with two very young girls lost his wife in a car accident. Another was dumped because his fiancé got fake boobs. The stories are so varied; as varied as the men who sent them in.

On a spiritual level, we are all in search of love. We all have the desire to be loved and when we are scared and vulnerable, we need reassurance that it's going to be OK. Part of how we can get through a break-up or losing someone we love is the knowledge that we are not alone. We can learn and get through our own trials a bit easier when we understand how others deal with it.
 

 

Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak was created to help both men and women have a better understanding of what men go through. It's an informal collection of stories with no commentary from us. We don't claim to have "the answer" or offer advice. You can read the stories and take away what you will. Each story will affect every reader differently. We are not experts or doctors. We simply wanted to collect these stories and get them out into the world. There is no other book at all like it. It is our hope that it will help to enlighten women regarding the male psyche as well as provide a path of recovery for those men who have experienced the wrenching pain of heartbreak by letting them know that they are not alone.

 

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Excerpts From Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak

What sorrow lurks in the minds of men suffering from a broken heart? Ain't No Sunshine knows!

How do men feel when they lose someone they love? Do they cry? Do they obsess? Do they call psychics? Under the protection of anonymity, thirty-eight men describe in detail how they've dealt with the pain of heartbreak. Whether it's because of divorce, betrayal, death or simply getting dumped, the raw honesty of these men may surprise you.

Modern American society so often discourages men from admitting to emotional pain, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. From an early age men are taught to "suck it up." Women often think men have it easier when it comes to the pain of heartbreak. But is that really the case? Ain't No Sunshine provides an opportunity to unlock those mysteries in this informal collection of stories.

Interviews with therapists, psychics and bartenders are included and provide informative insights into how men react to a broken heart.

Love is never easy. Loss of love is always difficult. Here is proof that not only do men struggle, sometimes the struggle is more difficult than it is for women.

Ain't No Sunshine is a rare glimpse into the elusive male psyche.

48 years old.

"...The problem was money. My wife and I could not afford to move out. Our money was tied up in the business and our home that had lost value and we had to figure out what to do. We decided to continue living together and tried to stay out of each other's way...

...I met Diane through a mutual friend at a dinner party. I was honest about my living situation but I made it clear I was interested in her and I wished to see her. She agreed to be my friend...After about six or seven months, we gave in and had sex. It was great...but then she pulled away...

 ...It took about seven or eight months before I was divorced, moved out and ready to go. I did what she asked. There were plenty of times when I wanted to call her and tell her I was moving out in three weeks---but she said she wanted me to be free. So I waited...

...When I contacted Diane, she seemed surprised and told me she was seeing another man..."

27 years old.

"...The breakup was so hard because it came out of the blue. I thought we were TOGETHER. I got COMFORTABLE! She ruined my world. I hate that the way I feel has anything to do with her. I want so much to get back with her. It's ALL I think about.

I sobbed, I drank, I sat alone all day on the weekend. I actually did call a psychic. She told me this woman was moving on and that she started seeing another guy. I was told that I should start dating again and that I will meet someone within a year. This pissed me off and it's the last time I will ever call a psychic...

...I am not over her. I found out she is seeing someone. I asked her about it and she confirmed it. SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE AUDACITY to ask my advice...

...I think the most embarrassing thing is how pathetic I am. I want her and she doesn't care about me. I'm not suicidal but I do feel desperate. WORST feeling ever!..."

76 years old

"...I met my Grace when I was in first grade...When we were fifteen, our school had a dance and I asked Grace. Fortunately for me, she agreed. This was a real coup as Grace was the first in our class to develop breasts and all of the boys wanted to go out with her. She was a great beauty...

...Five years ago, she was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor...Two months later I had to bury her and that was the most painful day of my life---harder than the day she passed...

...The next six months were the loneliest and coldest I have ever lived. Every night I would cry myself to sleep. Every morning I would wake up and feel I had nothing to live for. I begged God to take me...I just sat in my chair and mourned my great love...

....I met a wonderful woman who has helped ease the pain...I have come to love her and I believe she loves me too. But I think both of us miss our respective mates..."

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