Sunday, June 19, 2011

Men, Women & Labels

Now, on a completely different subject....
I am in the mood to write a Sex And The City type of blog.

It's about men, women and labels.

I start my latest book, Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak, with the idea that men and women aren't from different planets but they do speak different languages. Recently this has become quite apparent to me.

Let us look at John and Jane. They are both mature, honest adults who have an attraction for each other as well as a genuine affection. Circumstances prevent them from entering into a full fledged relationship. Jane and John are fine with this fact and both enjoy the relationship they do have. But sometimes Jane gets confused or has a question. Women like to know where they stand. That doesn't mean they want to get married. They just like to know where they are so they can proceed accordingly. If Jane thinks that John has a deep, dark secret, a gambling or drinking problem (or anything), she wants to know so she can decide if this is a relationship she would like to continue with.

It is at this point that I bring up the Cinderella complex that plagues us. When two people have affection, attraction and connection, society often dictates that it must now lead to marriage or a committed relationship with promises. In this day and age, the Cinderella complex is increasingly hard to uphold. People live longer, marriage is different than it was when it first came to be. People married for property, for economical reasons. Now people marry for love but love can shift, evolve and even vanish.

We live in a confusing society where love is concerned. We have all these "rules" and when the parameters of these rules change, people don't communicate properly. Assumptions are made. It sucks.
Jane talks with John. She asks him where she stands. John freaks. He says, "When you ask me that, it becomes a label and I feel pressure." Jane isn't asking for him to commit. She just wants to be clear about things. Because men and women so often hold back what they really think out of fear, miscommunication abounds.

Now he thinks she's all in love and he retreats. This seems to be a common occurrence with men who are not ready for commitment. Their first line of defense is to yell "LABELS!"
When a man is really into the woman, he will never bring up labels unless it's to confirm that she is really into him as well and then he wants to be committed. Then a label makes him feel secure.

Our world is so different than it was twenty years ago. Romance and the like has to evolve as the world changes. There are a number of women who don't have to get married to be happy. I like the quote by Katherine Hepburn: "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and visit now and then."

I have personally experienced and heard from many of my girlfriends that when they are trying to gauge where the relationship is with a man they are still getting to know and haven't yet decided that HE'S THE ONE!!!, that question will cause men to panic. The men immediately want to point out that they can't be pressured.

I just want to roll my eyes. I am sorry but I do. A committed relationship is hard work and both must compromise but it isn't necessarily what women always want. Women are not always after the Cinderella fantasy and we are tired of men who have a hard time with communication making the assumption our first inclination is to make you buy us a ring.

In Ain't No Sunshine, men describe what it feels like to lose romantic love. It becomes glaring that so many men are afraid to express their emotions for fear of appearing weak. With the example of John and Jane, I think  it's that John fears telling Jane the whole truth because she will then EXPECT something from him. Being honest doesn't mean you are signing your life away. It holds with it no contract. It's just considerate and if Jane starts jumping to romantic conclusions it becomes HER problem. John has been honest and up front.

So, there's my woman rant. :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Black Women & Body Image

The Body Image Blog ( has finally been created. As the stories come in, I will post them.
Please understand I am being VERY GENERAL here. I realize that we all have a unique and individual story. That said, I would like to approach the subject of black women and body image.

As a white woman, I have noticed that black women do not seem have as much insecurity with their bodies, especially with weight as white women. This is also very much accepted by white people.  For instance, a black celebrity like Beyonce has a round, voluptuous, curvaceous shape. She is praised for it and she looks fantastic. When a white woman has a similar shape, the public in general has more negative things to say about the same curves.

I have seen women in the black community take pride in their physical appearance no matter their shape or size.  But as I do an Internet search, I find eating disorders are affecting more black women.

I would love to get stories from black women describing how it is for you. What messages did you get from your mother growing up? From your peers? How do you perceive it to be for white women? Have you ever indulged in any kind of unhealthy behavior with food? Are you happy with your body? Have you ever experienced body hatred?

Men are encouraged to submit as well, in fact there are several stories from men on the blog.
You may choose to be anonymous or credited. If credited, I allow up to 2 urls and a photo. This is totally YOUR choice. If you do not want your identity revealed, I guarantee your privacy. It should be noted that the majority of participants choose to be credited.

Over the years in my own struggle with my body & self image, I have heard from other white women that they think black women have it easier. Is this true? You tell me. I want your story.

Guidelines and all you need to know is provided on this link:
Thanks for reading.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Not All Men Are Dogs....

This is a great book for any woman who wonders "What a man feels like in a breakup". It's very interesting and captivating. I purchased this for My Brother whom is going through a bad break up and the book helped him. He understood he wasn't alone.


Once started reading this, I literally could not stop. As a woman, I have made certain assumptions about men. They tell you so little. The candor and honesty was not only touching but I look at men a little differently now. The men who gave their stories really opened up and let us in.


Ain't No Sunshine is a compilation of true stories about heartbreaks. The authors requested the help of men to answer some questions. The answers, written in a form of essay, were anonymous so the men weren't ashamed to write down their true feelings. Ain't No Sunshine helps us understand what really goes on inside a man's head. Whether it's from a divorce or death, men struggle from a broken heart. They have some of the same emotions and feelings as women. They have to deal with pain and often, depression. Some admitted they considered suicide while others needed therapy. A few men mentioned not being able to talk about their feelings with their friends because in our society, men are simply not allowed to. Society portrays men as being tough and having no feelings. Women think they have it easy when it comes to breaking up in a relationship but from reading Ain't No Sunshine, this is not the case.

Order your copy by clicking on the link:   
Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal The Pain Of Heartbreak