Anthony's Blog: http://www.orangecountyvirgin.com/
A while back I was contacted by Anthony Tarquinto. He is a 42 year-old virgin who wrote a book titled The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin and found my book The Virgin Diaries online. He expressed an interested in somehow working together.
I was not sure what to think initially. I read a little bit of his book online and saw that he not only wrote of being a virgin but he included a very conservative political ideology. My book The Virgin Diaries has no agenda, political or otherwise other than to provide virgins with the tools to make an informed decision.
The Virgin Diaries doesn't encourage or discourage anyone where first time sex is concerned. I just remember being a virgin and I had questions - even when I wasn't ready or willing to engage in sexual activity.
Below is a thoughtful and very interesting post from Anthony. I am very grateful he reached out to me and my mother and assured us that he would only focus on the subject of virginity. Thank you Anthony! We both appreciate your eloquence and candor.
*My name is Anthony J. Tarquinto. My friends call me Tony.
I am an independent financial consultant and investment advisor based in Aliso Viejo, CA. My best friend is Robin Basner. She lives in a town called Diamond Bar.
I’m also a volunteer counselor at All Experts www.allexperts.com in the category of Abstinence/Celibacy. I’ve gotten questions from people all over the world about dealing with this.
My birthday was a few weeks ago. I’m now 42.
I am a Roman Catholic.
**There are two main reasons that I am 42 and still a virgin. First is because of the choices that I have made at various stages in my life:
- When I was in high school I was pretty much a geek. I was skinny with bad acne and a bad haircut. Just a big zero.
- When I was in college, I was a total recluse – shy, always studying and always alone in the library – kind of a bookworm. I just didn’t try hard enough.
- In the 1990’s, I was very insecure in my career and always worried. I didn’t have much going for me in those days and my self-esteem was very low.
- In the 2000’s my career finally took off and I started making money. I worked in outside sales and I was always on the road. I traveled, saw new things, experienced all kinds of cool stuff, and sort of “gave up” trying to find a woman. It was almost like I boycotted women. Call it a “girlcott”. This period of my life (the good times) is when I should have found a relationship and finally had sex. But I didn’t. I kept putting it off and delaying, and saying to myself, “maybe next year.”
This was the biggest mistake of my life. I had so many chances to be with so many quality women and I JUST PLAIN BLEW IT. It haunts me to this day. There were women with whom I was genuinely compatible and had a realistic chance of developing something long-term. Shame on me for not going for it when I had the chance.
The second reason I am still a virgin is because of the overarching edict of the Catholic Church, which forbids having sex outside of wedlock. From a young age I was told in Sunday School and CCD that Catholics must wait until marriage to have sex. I have preached this my entire life, but now I’m having doubts. Here’s why: At the end of the day, I am on the losing side of the intellectual argument for celibacy because as a Catholic, my first and foremost guidance comes from the Bible, specifically the Book of Genesis. In Genesis, Adam and Eve have sex.
Adam and Eve were not married. This throws the entire dogma out the window.
***If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t have been such a narcissist during the good years. I wouldn’t have been so arrogant. I was totally wrapped up in my work and I didn’t think about the future. 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 were phenomenal years for me and I got blinded by my success. Then when the 2008 financial crisis hit, I lost everything – my job, my career, my house, my company car - everything but my virginity.
I’ve picked up the pieces since, but I now have the “virgin” thing to deal with, which started when my book came out in last year – The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin. It’s about business, politics and religion, which are hot topics these days. My positions are controversial and extremely conservative.
Also, if I could do something over, I wouldn’t have been so harsh and acerbic in the book. I was angry when I wrote it and it’s pretty obvious.
Now I’m toxic. It’s all out there now. Any girl that reads my book finds out that I am a far-right, fire and brimstone conservative (pro-life, Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, etc.) and I can’t hide it. Most women that I meet nowadays are repulsed by Sarah Palin, yet I identify with her. I’m a loose cannon. No girl wants a guy that thinks and talks like I do, and that’s just reality. I said what I said and wrote what I wrote, and now I have to deal with it. The book has been out two years now and I’m just finding this out.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want “sympathy” sex. But If I ever do find a girl now, despite everything that’s happened to me, at least I know it will be real. At least I know that she’ll know everything about me and I won’t have to worry about hiding anything. I won’t have to spring it on her that I’m a virgin.
****There are between 110,000,000 and 115,000,000 adult males in the United States according to the 2010 U.S. Census. I know of only two virgins – me, and another guy Jason who asked me for advice at All Experts.com.
But it can’t be. There’s no way out of 100,000,000 or so guys that there are only 2 virgins. There have to be more. That’s where Kimberley and Ann come in.
I was surfing the web one night when I came across The Virgin Diaries and I couldn’t believe it. Finally! Somebody actually cares about virgins! A book dedicated to….me!
I don’t feel alone anymore. The Virgin Diaries is a must read for the mature teen (or any virgin for that matter) who wants a broad insight into what it’s like to have sex for the first time. I learned a lot.
Now I know what others were thinking right before they had sex for the first time, and what it was like after. The profiles in The Virgin Diaries are anonymous, so it’s no holds-barred. It is very honest and up front.
The Virgin Diaries totally changed my thinking on losing virginity because of how the respondents in such detail recall how they lost their virginity, the name of the person they first did it with, and the time, place, and other meaningful circumstances in their lives. There must be something very special about sex if people can recall it this vividly. The respondents seemed as if they really enjoyed conveying their stories - like it brought back fond memories of a more innocent time in their lives. The book is a compendium of the most intimate aspect of peoples’ lives. I used to think that losing my virginity was not going to be a big deal or all that important. Well, it is important. This is my life here, and Kim and Ann prove that.
*****I wish this book was available when I was younger. It would have been an enormous help. If I had read the The Virgin Diaries, it would have taken me in a different direction because I wouldn’t have taken my future for granted. I always thought I would eventually find a girl and fall in love and have sex and maybe even get married. Life is too short to be a virgin and I wish I would have thought about these things ten years ago.
******Ultimately, the benefit of The Virgin Diaries is that it lets a person who has never had sex know that it is OK to wait. There are so many profiles from people from all walks of life that the reader will connect with at least one of them.
“I would tell virgins to make sure that the person you are going to do it with the first time is as happy and satisfied as you are. If you’re going to do it, make sure you know that the person you’re going to do it with is someone you can trust and continue to have a relationship with when you’re done.”
This is from a 45 year-old male who did it for the first time when he was 24. I can relate to this. Twenty-four years old is a late-bloomer, and I’m a REAL late bloomer. This is just one of the many essays that had an impact. Maybe there is hope for me!
“As for advice from religious figures, I was in Catholic schools for twelve years. Sex is something that was never brought up.”
From another 45 year-old male who was raised Catholic. I can definitely relate to this.
*******I believe that 18 should be the minimum age before engaging in sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. Women in their early teens haven’t fully developed their bodies yet, and sex could do damage (both physically and psychologically). I’m no doctor, but this is what I have heard from various healthcare professionals and psychologists over the years. Boys are more prone to be damaged on the psychological side by having sex too soon. Many counselors say that male expectations of sex are different than a female, and early sexual activity can distort things and perhaps even warp the male mind.
*******I feel like being a virgin is a liability for me at this point because when you get to a certain age, it’s as if women are thinking, “OK. Something must be wrong with this guy. He’s 42 and hasn’t had sex yet?”
- Like red flags go up when they find out about all of this.
This is a sign that there is some serious fundamental problem with me. There must be something seriously wrong with a guy who’s 42 and never been laid.
If I were an average guy with a wife and kids and a normal job, and I heard there was a 42 year old virgin, I’d think the guy was a real loser – like a mental case or something.
*********There are pros and cons to being celibate and honestly, I would not encourage any guy to abstain from sex just for the sake of being a virgin. The right girl may never come along and life is too short. The bottom line is this: Being a male virgin in my forties benefitted me because of the movie.
The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (Universal Pictures 116 min.) was a precursor to my real-life story, and it was sheer coincidence that I turned 40 shortly after it came out. Everything that I have now I owe to Steve Carell, and I’ve never even met the guy. The whole thing sort of happened by accident.
But being a virgin stinks. I wouldn’t recommend it for any guy in his thirties, forties, or any age, because you’re different and being different is difficult. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I just want to find a girl, do it and get it over with. My fifteen minutes is up now. I just want to get on with my life.
*********While I have not been told outright by a woman that she doesn’t want to be with me because I’m a virgin, I get the feeling that that’s the reason. Seems obvious, don’t you think? Maybe they’re freaked-out by the whole thing.